So with the rumor flying that Mariah Carey recently purchased herself a vineyard, and the decision by Celebrity Cellars to market a collection of bottles inspired by Madonna’s Confessions on a Dance Floor, we thought liquor stores might need some help coming up with shelf-tag descriptions to accompany the new product. Check out ours, or post your own in the comments section below:

Mimi’s Cab-aret Sauvignon: This full-bodied red goes down just like honey, with a slightly nutty aftertaste, and despite the occasional sharp note, we suspect this one will be atop the charts for years to come.

Madge’s So-vogue-non Blanc: This crisp-bodied white comes on a bit strong for some, though its tartness and staying power are cherished in certain circles. Keep in mind that while each vintage has a distinctly different flavor, all bottles are 100 percent Kosher.