TV's funniest lines from Feb. 7 to 13. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote
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”You even made Locke take a swing at you. Hell, that’s like getting Gandhi to beat his kids.”
SAWYER (JOSH HOLLOWAY) TO CHARLIE (DOMINIC MONAGHAN), ON LOST

”My friends say I have to get back on the bike, and I keep saying, ‘Maybe not a bike.’ ”
SHERYL CROW, DISCUSSING HER RECENT BREAKUP WITH TOUR DE FRANCE CHAMP LANCE ARMSTRONG, ON ELLEN

”I read somewhere that you said in addition to testing yourself against the best, winning a gold medal and competing in the Olympics would help you get so many babes, which is pretty much what Baron Pierre de Coubertin had in mind when he founded the Olympic Games.”
BOB COSTAS TO U.S. SNOWBOARDING GOLD MEDALIST SHAUN WHITE

”Hmm. It’s seven digits separated by a dash. Maybe it’s his homosexual ID.”
ANDREA (MAGGIE LAWSON) AFTER MITCH (FRED SAVAGE) ASKS HER WHAT’S ON THE SLIP OF PAPER HIS MOTHER’S CUTE GAY CO-WORKER ASKED HER TO GIVE HIM, ON CRUMBS

”Our family name is ruined.”
NICK LACHEY, WHILE WATCHING BROTHER DREW REHEARSE THE TANGO, ON DANCING WITH THE STARS

”It’s like some sort of psychotic bad-idea detox.”
SHANE, ON STARTING SURVIVOR WITH A 3-PACKS-OF-CIGARETTES/15-CUPS-OF-ESPRESSO-A-DAY HABIT

”Well, they should’ve called ahead.”
GABRIELLE (EVA LONGORIA), AFTER HUSBAND CARLOS (RICARDO CHAVIRA) SAYS THAT SHE’D HAVE TURNED AWAY MARY AND JOSEPH FROM THE INN, ON DESPERATE HOUSWIVES

”So in summary, the vice president of the United States shot a 78-year-old man in the face. Congratulations, Mr. Vice President. You are now a Crip.”
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

”In a recent interview, Larry King’s wife admitted that they enjoy role playing in the bedroom. Meanwhile, America says they enjoy not hearing about it.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

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