Battling for immunity, the two tribes get down and dirty in the smuttiest ''Survivor'' challenge ever

”Survivor”: Getting down and dirty

Uh…okay, this is a bit awkward, but instead of my regular Survivor TV Watch this week, I’d like do a recap of a different sort. I’ve been covering Survivor forever. You guys are bored with that crap. It’s time to mix it up a bit. If you are under 18, I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to ask you to log off right now, because it’s time for the first ever EW Porn Watch! That’s right, I’m gonna pop open a brew and break down some hardcore porn.

The thing about it is, I don’t really have a choice. I was sitting here watching Survivor, and all of a sudden I guess my signal got crossed or something, because instead of taking in the latest immunity challenge, I was somehow treated to porn! It had to be porn! There was girl-on-girl action, tops falling off, and even a full-on orgy! And then it ”climaxed” with some dude named ”Bob Dawg” tossing a woman onto his mat and then celebrating like a madman. Like I said, porn.

But let’s talk about what I did see on Survivor. I saw Aras starting to realize what a bonehead move he made by not simply letting Shane quit. ”I’m in an alliance with three nutballs,” Aras said. (Make it four, bro. You don’t get off so easy.) I saw Bruce demonstrate that he is not exactly the poster boy for modesty. ”You just got the most important person of everybody,” he told his new tribe, before informing us that ”they thought I was a gift from heaven.” (Too bad they basically told La Mina the same thing, and Bruce got shipped right back to Exile Island.)

I saw a pretty cool reward challenge. I like the twist on the catapult and catch by making people stand on a balance beam over water. It would have been even better, however, if the tribe members had been mixed up together and been able to intercept each other’s throws. (Feel free to steal that idea for next season, Kirhoffer. That one’s on the house.) I also saw the most unintentionally funny line in recent Survivor memory, when Sally informed us that with Misty, ”there’s a little extra something going into Austin and Nick’s massages.” (Still doubting me on the porn thing?)

Speaking of Sally, it’s time for…the Sally Alert! Sadly, it seems the Sally Alert may not be long for this world, people. For a moment there, it looked as if my pregame pick to win it all might be able to sway the young men over to her alliance with Misty, but the guys ultimately decided to stick with Terry and Dan, and Misty was sent packing. (By the way, you had to figure Ruth Marie was safe, since she basically was not shown the entire episode, except when she was being comically pulled by Bobby over to his mat in the immunity challenge. No way Burnett lets a contestant go like that without giving them a little face time.) Sally really didn’t do a whole lot else this episode to report on, other than take a few more hits for losing the fishing spear. (Yo, Probst, why you gotta call my girl out like that?)

Okay, so I was surprised that Casaya won the immunity challenge. I actually think Terry is to blame for the loss, He should have known that if he gave the bag to Ruth Marie, she was going to be obliterated. (You think Tom Westman would have thrown it to Janu in a similar situation?) Terry should have hung on to that thing for dear life. (Kinda in the same way that Danielle should have been holding on more to her bikini top, although some of you gentleman out there might disagree with that one.)

I still think La Mina is going to dominate Casaya (although Misty would be a much bigger help in the challenges than worn-out Ruth Marie). Casaya is just a mess. Shane is driving everybody crazy, and although Bruce is definitely a help, let me tell you something — that dude can talk…and talk…and talk. If Shane can’t put up with no coffee or cigarettes, he probably won’t be able to put up with that either. Of course, if Bruce gets on our nerves, we viewers have another option — we can always just watch porn instead.

What do you think? Will La Mina rebound? Will Shane self-destruct? And does Sally stand a chance in hell of surviving?