Credit: The Bachelor: Paris: Craig Sjodin

Is there anything less romantic than forcing your significant other to watch The Bachelor on Valentine’s Day Eve? I know a certain someone who’d say ”hell, no!” but still, I can imagine going on an actual date with The Bachelor himself, Dr. Travis Stork, would rank a close second.

Last night’s heavily padded, two-hour episode found the E.R. doctor taking his three remaining love interests on ”exotic fantasy dates” to Venice, Vienna, and the French Alps. I went in to the evening determined to count the number of times Travis used variations of great (8), excited (6), and amazing (5), but unfortunately, the words ”lucky,” ”next step/next level” and ”real” seem to have emerged as Travis’ new favorites. Anyhow, since I know most of you didn’t have the fortitude to sit through all two hours, here’s a recap of the dates:

Moana in Venice
I thought the emotionally unstable brunette (and coincidentally, the only remaining bachelorette who doesn’t make me want to set myself on fire) was toast when she revealed she speaks fluent Italian, but surprisingly, this revelation didn’t intimidate America’s most vocabulary-challenged physician. As both Travis and Moana pointed out, he has things he can teach her, too. (Like, um, why you might want to bring along a guide book when touring historic European cities?) ”It’s so nice to be silent,” he said during their gondola ride. Dude, trust me, it’s better that way for us at home, too. Emotional highlight: Moana’s stunning earrings.

Sarah Tennessee in Vienna Irony alert! Straight from the mouth of the man who spent the episode swapping spit with not one, not two, but three women, comes these choice quotes: ”Becoming intimate with someone is a very private thing.” And, ”Ultimately, a kiss is between two people… So when I see people in public going at it, are they performing?” I know it’s not right, but by the time Travis and Sarah (pictured) started their awkward smooching, I couldn’t help wondering: “Tastes like kindergarten?” Emotional highlight: Travis’ doozy of an observation: ”I think the one thing that’s interesting about all European cities is the buildings are all the exact same height.” Alrighty then!

Susan in the French Alps I feel bad for Susan, who described a day’s worth of being grilled by Travis about whether or not she’s a fame-seeking trollop as the ”best date I’ve ever been on.” I don’t know about you, but the minute she made the fatal error of daring to refer to the couple’s fantasy suite as the plebeian ”Room 26,” I knew she was headed home. Emotional highlight: The Cinemax-style, hot-tub makeout session, complete with red candles, champagne flutes, and copious steam (and tongue). I wasn’t the only one worried we might get a shot of Travis’ and Susan’s, um, full moons; the producers cut to that shot of the real bella luna just in the nick of time.

So, folks, which unlucky gal do you think will end up as the object of Travis’ affections, Moana or Sarah? I like Moana a lot better, so I’m hoping for her sake, she gets the boot next week and finds herself a man with a pulse and a thesaurus. What about you?

addCredit(“The Bachelor: Paris: Craig Sjodin”)

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