Shaky Shane wishes he knew how to quit ''Survivor,'' but his team takes out innocent bystander Melinda instead
Credit: Melinda Hyder: Jeffrey R. Staab

”Survivor”: A castaway already wants to quit

”Somebody wants to quit? Let him quit!” —Cirie

If God is a big Survivor fan — and I think we can all agree that He is — and if He ever decides to send Jeff Probst down from the mountaintop with 10 Survivor commandments etched in stone (or perhaps parchment would be more appropriate), that quote from Cirie should be at the top of the list. ”Somebody wants to quit? Let him quit!”

It’s simple. They want out. You want in. Get rid of ’em. This is why I’m declaring war on Aras for persuading that lunkhead Shane to stay and sending Melinda packing instead. I know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking, Shane is in my alliance of four, and if he quits, we lose our number advantage. I get it. I passed remedial arithmetic. (Barely, but that’s beside the point.) But you never, ever keep a quitter. If they are letting you down now by trying to quit, they are guaranteed to let you down later as well. It happened in Pearl Islands when Osten contemplated quitting. Savage and Rhino and all those other clowns with nifty nicknames persuaded him to stay, voting off other tribe members who actually wanted to be there instead, and what happened? Osten ended up quitting anyway.

It happened in Palau when Janu went back and forth on whether she wanted to stick it out before finally laying down her torch at tribal council. (Some would say Jeff Probst laid it down for her. Discuss amongst yourselves.) The point is, you’re always better off dumping early someone who might turn his or her back on you later. Take Shane, Mr. ”34 going on 12.” On day 4, he’s plotting and scheming and threatening to kill anyone who doesn’t stick with his alliance. Then, two days later — day 6, mind you — he wants to quit! (Day 6!) Does that sound like the sort of schizophrenic soul you want to align with? Ditch him, bring in Bob Dawg or Bruce, and you’re back to a foursome. But nooooooooooo! Mr. Wavy Gravy Aras first off persuades Shane to stay and then goes and tells Melinda and Cirie to their faces that they are the next two to go. Now, I’m not sure how Ganesh, Shiva, or any other Hindu deities would look upon such actions, but in Survivor, doing that makes you look (1) stupid and (2) like an absolute jerk. And no amount of spiritual hand stacking can change it.

So what about the new tribes? My first impression when I saw the two lineups was that this could be Palau all over again (not that that’s a bad thing). Everyone on La Mina (even possibly Dan, who is a freakin’ astronaut and no doubt has the endurance thing down pat) seems pretty physical. And with both said astronaut and a rocket scientist on their team, they figure to do well in puzzle challenges as well. Casaya, on the other hand, got stuck with Melinda and Cirie (lovely ladies, but not exactly powerhouses — and why Aras picked Cirie over Ruth Marie is mind-boggling), as well as quitter boy. They also have Courtney, who described herself as being from ”gangsta Hollywood, man.” Honestly, I have no idea what that means, but I do know that Casaya got smoked in their first two challenges, including that wacky snake-carrying obstacle course. (By the way, how much did we love Nick whacking Austin in the head with one of those snakes? About as much as we loved Probst’s commentary during the immunity challenge that ”Shane made zero progress in the water. La Mina is still in the lead, but only because Casaya is absolutely inept.” Hey, gotta call it like you see it.) Bruce will actually help this tribe in regard to the challenges, as he’s obviously a fit, motivated guy (although he can probably run his mouth faster than his feet), but I still think they’re in a heap of trouble.

It’s now time for…the Sally Alert! Before the game began, I picked Sally to win it all, and not because she’s hot. Okay, maybe a little because she’s hot but mostly because I thought she would be able to play the sweetheart role while secretly stabbing people in the back — that she’d kill with a smile. Each week, I’ll take a little time out to update her progress. So, this was a good week for Sally…in that she looked fiiiiiiiiiine! (I’m not quite sure what’s going on with that leg-warmers thing, but it’s working for me.) As for the game, however, it didn’t go so well. She was the first person Terry picked for La Mina, which was good, but then (even as she sagely tried to form a young-people alliance) it appeared that she may be up against an all-male block of votes. And then she certainly didn’t help herself by losing the freakin’ fishing spear! It’s a good thing her tribe won the immunity challenge. Hopefully someone else will get my girl off the hook by doing something stupid before La Mina has to go to tribal council.

I guess we have to pay our respects to Melinda. She had a bunch of us reporters worried when during interview day (before the game had even started) she was already complaining about the bugs, but she actually seemed to do pretty well for herself out there, except, of course, when she sat around completely useless and doing nothing during the first immunity challenge. She still didn’t deserve to go before Shane, though, who — judging by the promo for next week’s episode — is already about to cause more trouble around camp. Shocker! Be careful what you wish for, Aras.

What do you think? Will Casaya ever win immunity? Who’s going to last longer, Cirie or Shane? And do you think Bruce might have found something on Exile Island?