There I was last night, slipping into a Bachelor-induced coma after Travis’ ”amazing” dates with Sarah Canada and Sarah Tennessee — amazing, insomuch as that’s the only adjective in the emergency-room doctor’s vocabulary — when suddenly I snapped awake, realizing I might be staring in the face of pure reality-TV eeeeevil!

It was midway through Travis’ visit to Durham, N.C., and hometown gal Susan (pictured) had just launched into a monologue about her desire to live like a full glass of water (seriously), when I scribbled a note that every word coming out of the plastic-y beauty’s mouth sounded like she’d memorized it from a bad script. Shortly thereafter, as Travis and Susan’s mother sat down for a one-on-one, the bachelor assured her that, ”This is a real experience. There’s no acting between your daughter and I. It’s completely, 100 percent real.” To which Susan’s mother replied, ”When you say there’s no acting going on, how do you know?”

Cue sound of needle screeching across record! And then cut to Susan’s dad asking his daughter if she was hoping her role on ABC’s reality dating show might get her noticed in Hollywood. Susan’s reply? ”Acting is definitely something I’m passionate about. And whatever vehicle takes me there, that’s all I want. I just hope I don’t get cut this week.”

Yep, girlfriend definitely wants to live like a glass of water — a glass of ice water, that is. Imagine having your parents call you out on national television as a heartbreaking, fame-hungry opportunist and not even flinching? And then going outside and smooching some poor, deluded lugnut and telling him, ”I’m here because 110 percent of me wants to be.” Oh, Susan! You left off the last two words of that sentence: ”on TV.”

At this point, it’s pretty clear deadly dull Sarah Tennessee is getting the final rose, mainly because she’ll be able to add lots of ”awesomes” and ”greats” to the doctor’s repertoire of descriptive terms. And she’s quite comfortable sharing his love of robotic banter. An example:

Travis: ”It’s obvious when talking to you that you’re sincere.” (Forced grin.)

Sarah Tennessee: ”Thank you so much; that was so sweet.” (Forced grin.)

Anyhow, there’s no way Travis is going to willingly subject himself to another round of silent judgment from Moana’s dad, total silence from Moana’s mom, and not so silent judgment from her stepmom Virginia, who delivered this choice tidbit: ”How do you find this whole arrangement? Because, frankly, I’m just disgusted with just the undermining of the home and marriage and family. It devastates lives when families are disregarded or the union of marriage is undermined and mocked.” Amazingly, the show’s producers managed to avoid showing the gun held to Virginia’s head forcing her to be on such a humanity-crushing program.

Now that we’re down to three, whom do you think Travis will end up with? Did you like the way he couldn’t define his beliefs for Moana’s family? Or the fact that Sarah Tennessee allowed her kindergarten class to get caught up in this skankfest? Or the way Sarah Canada was clutching a teddy bear during her final makeout session with the Bachelor? So heinous, I wouldn’t miss a second of it.

addCredit(“The Bachelor Paris: Craig Sjodin”)

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