Credit: Moana: Bob D'Amico

Dear Moana,

I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t disappointed to see you break down in tears on last night’s edition of The Bachelor, but at least for the first few episodes, you tried to conduct yourself with some self-respect. In your defense, even the toughest of cookies might’ve crumbled under the same hellish conditions: isolated in a foreign country, surrounded by a pack of jealous, desperate she-beasts (like drunken Tara and plastic Susan) who seem to get far more animated when they’re ganging up on you than they do during their dates with Travis.

What was your crime again, Moana? Oh, that’s right, failing to declare your love for a man you’ve been dating for less than two weeks, the same man who’s simultaneously courting at least five other women. If this is the framework for a ”fairy tale romance,” as your fellow Bachelorettes keep calling it, then what’s Jame Gumb’s basement pit in Silence of the Lambs? A relaxing day spa?

I don’t know what infuriated me more, that Travis brought back booted Jen and Shiloh to choose which remaining women would get individual dates, or seeing these same bitter hyenas tag-team you — ”You’re not nervous at all?” ”You absolutely should be.” — without ever acknowledging how jealous they were that you’d outlasted them in the competition.

How I wish you’d gotten up and left the room rather than spilling your guts to them! You should’ve realized no man is worth such misery — certainly not one who travels to Paris to fall in love, then admits he doesn’t even like French food. Mon dieu! Sure, he’s a doctor with a washboard stomach, but he’s only got one adjective (”amazing”) in his repertoire. (Sort of like Jehan, who’s similarly obsessed with the word ”awesome.”) And he’s about as emotionally developed as a wedge of Brie. Too bad you didn’t hear his to-the-camera confessional: ”I’m just gonna base the next rose ceremony on what I’m feeling. Because, at this point, feelings I think are the most important thing.”

See what I mean? Seriously, it’s not too late to pack your bags (and your dignity) and get the heck out of the reality game. It’d be, like, awesome and amazing if you did.

Wishing you the best,

Michael Slezak

Episode Recaps

ABC's "The Bachelor" - Season 22
The Bachelor

This romantic reality competition series follows a gaggle of women vying for the Bachelor’s heart — and a wedding proposal. Will you accept this rose?

  • TV Show
  • 25
  • Mike Fleiss
  • ABC
stream service