We ask Ryan Seacrest Stupid Questions -- The ''American Idol'' host answers our outrageous queries

News flash: Jobs aren’t being outsourced overseas anymore — they’re just going to Ryan Seacrest. The 31-year-old grand master of ceremonies currently hosts Fox’s American Idol and two radio shows while anchoring E!’s red-carpet coverage (and soon the network’s daily news). He also occasionally subs for Larry King and cohosts Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. Shall we add to his workload with some Stupid Questions? Seacrest…in!

When you’re up there consoling an Idol contestant who was just eliminated, do you sometimes worry that you’re going to get ”loser” on you? No. Usually I worry about getting makeup on my white shirts. Those are very nice, and although it’s Idol, I don’t get too much in wardrobe budget, so I’ve got to make sure I can reuse that white shirt on the next show.

How often do you call in and vote for yourself on Idol? It happens. I generally just text. You can’t be at an airport and be giving yourself this wonderful critique about your performance: ”You really said ‘We’ll be right back’ with such strength and passion, I believed it, I felt it, I knew that we would be right back.” It’s much better said in a text.

If Randy, Paula, and Simon were trapped on a sinking boat and you could save one of them… would you? [Deep, reflective sigh] Yeah. I would save one.

You’ve frequently dissed Simon and his ”man boobs.” Will you say some more funny stuff about him right now? Celebrity feuds make me giggle. This season we had to stop auditions because one of his fake teeth came out and he had to call in a dentist with drills to the back of the hotel and they had to put in a new tooth. He’ll actually be pissed that I told you this, but you’ve got to print it.

When I interviewed Clay Aiken, he said he was the mayor of Nerdville. Which office in which far-off crazy land do you think you hold? Vice president of vanity, Metrosexotropolis.

When you’re hosting Idol, do you ever suffer from ”Phantom Dunkleman Pain,” a phenomenon described by medical experts as temporary discomfort stemming from a profound lack of Brian Dunkleman assistance? I never experience that pain. Only pleasure.

Tell me a dirty Seacrest. But don’t make it, you know, too dirty or we won’t be able to run it. I always think there’s somebody under my bed or in my closet — you’ll have a field day with that. I’m scared of the bogeyman, and I think my high-thread-count sheets are going to protect me.

You just signed a lucrative deal with E!, which means you’re now working in cable TV, broadcast TV, nationally syndicated radio, and local radio. Is there a medium left to leave your frosted-tip mark on? I’d like to master the outgoing-cell-phone-message market?maybe home answering machines. I think there’s a real future in that.

Your singing debut — and finale — came in the fourth grade when you assumed the role of King Winter in a school musical. Using only meteorological terms, how would you describe your performance? Well, I forgot my lines, so…partly annoying with a cold front of no talent?