Credit: Moana: Bob D'Amico

Last night, I had DVR issues and only caught the second half of The Bachelor. Not to worry, though, I still experienced 100 percent of the shame and self-loathing I typically get from tuning in to the one reality hour that’s in direct opposition to everything I’ve ever stood for as a human being. And because The Bachelor consistently gives me so much, well, um — I don’t know, reason to go back to my therapist, maybe? — I’ve decided to hand out awards this week to its star participants. After all, what good will a faded rose be in a few weeks, after these ladies get booted from Paris and sent back to anonymity? So, without further ado…

Best Quote of the Night: “I’m a fan of anywhere that has open champagne.” –Jennifer

Best Quote That Only Sounds Unsavory Taken Out of Context: “Susan told me yesterday that her birthday is today, so I walked her to my bedroom. I want to give her a little special something so she’ll remember this day for, hopefully, forever.” –‘Bachelor’ Travis

Best Slurred Speech: Not sure if that’s how she sounds without a glass of hooch in her hand (because I’m not certain I’ve seen her without one yet), but hands down, I’m givin’ this trophy to Tara.

The ‘No Means Yes’ Honorary Trophy: To Sarah, for blatantly ignoring Travis’ comments that he wasn’t ready to kiss her.

The ‘Hey, This Chick Might Have a Soul’ Award: To Moana (above), for enraging her fellow Bachelorettes by not instantly falling in love with Travis, and employing a (gasp!) hard-to-get strategy that actually seems to be working.

Okay, PopWatchers, what awards would you dole out to this season’s contestants? Ready, set, comment!

addCredit(“Moana: Bob D’Amico”)

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