By Amy Ryan
Updated January 16, 2006 at 12:00 PM EST
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(Gary Susman took in Ryan’s rivals, to see how they did on the TV Guide channel.)

6:02 p.m. Joan makes her first Brokeback Mountain joke. Throughout the evening, she’ll refer to it as ”Broken-Butt” Mountain,” along with other Beavis-caliber epithets.

6:12 p.m.
Goldderby.com‘s Tom O’Neil refers to the competition as ”a lavender race.”

6:16 p.m. Desperate Housewives‘ Doug Savant marvels that Joan didn’t mispronounce his name.

6:33 p.m. Melissa introduces a red-carpet innovation: the”fishbowl question.” She pulls a random question out of a jar andasks her quarry, Prison Break‘s Dominic Purcell: ”Were you afat baby?” He’s a good sport, says he was actually a strong andmuscular baby. Top that, Seacrest!

6:42 p.m. Joan has her first major stumble, over JonathanRhys Meyers’ last name, which he patiently explains, is Rhys Meyers,not Meyers or Rhys-Meyers, or Reez-Meyers.

6:47 p.m. TerrenceHoward tells Joan he knew from childhood he would be an actor, ”justlike you knew you were a woman.” Joan shoots back, ”You haven’t seen Transamerica.”

6:59 p.m. Now that the Sidewayshoopla is long over, Paul Giamatti can finally tell the truth. ”Hatewine, hate the wine people, hate the whole damn thing,” the Cinderella Man nominee tells Melissa. Next year, he’ll be dissing boxing trainers.

7:01 p.m. Naveen Andrews and Barbara Hershey have a nice chat with Joan. Not a word about the giant elephant in the room.

7:04 p.m. Emma Thompson and Colin Firth talk to Joan, who mistakes Firth for Thompson’s husband, Greg Wise

7:09 p.m. Jason Lee gets bleeped for using the word ”bastard,” referring to My Name Is Earlco-star Ethan Suplee (who’s standing next to him), who woke him up twohours early when he called to tell Lee he’d been nominated.

7:25 p.m. Joan pretends to mistake Good Night, and Good Luck co-screenwriter Grant Heslov for his creative partner, George Clooney, who’s standing next to him. In keeping with the Brokeback theme, George introduces Heslov as ”my lover, Grant.” and marvels that his Good Nightresearch unearthed the discovery that Edward R. Murrow was gay. Isuspect most people watching won’t know Clooney was kidding all around.

7:29 p.m. Having seen the previous interview, Entourage‘sJeremy Piven playfully gay-baits Clooney as he chats with Melissa.Dude, you brought your mom as your date, and not for the first time.Glass houses, Ari.

7:39 p.m. During a commercial, I switch over to E! just intime to see Isaac Mizrahi groping Scarlett Johansson, and now he’ssinging, ”I touched Scarlett’s boob! I touched Scarlett’s boob!” Whoknew Mizrahi would be the one to make the Brokeback Globes more heterosexual?

7:52 p.m. When Joan asks Mariah Carey about romance, shedeftly sidesteps the question, saying: ”Romance is lovely. I write alot of songs about it.” Why do I suspect Joan is sizing up Carey for aFashion faux pas citation later?

7:57 p.m. For those playing the drinking game at home, Joanboasts that she only made three major mistakes tonight. Get this womanan honorary Globe!

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