(The action begins on E! and PopWatch’s Michael Slezak is there — at home in front of his TV, that is.)

6:01 p.m. “If a star has a blemish, you’re gonna see it,” Ryan announces. Note to self: I don’t need to SEE that!

6:02 p.m. Whew! Got my Valerie Cherish moment out of the way.

6:04 p.m. Camryn Manheim tells Ryan she cried the first time she put her dress on. I mean, it’s nice and all, but…

6:18 p.m. Isaac Mizrahi just asked Eric Bana if he moisturized anywhere we need to know about. I miss Kathy Griffin.

6:20 p.m.Poor Debbie Matenopolous just shrieked about Alanis Morissette being ablonde, to which Mr. Seacrest snapped back, “That’s four weeks old –please!” It’s one thing to get dissed by Barbara Walters, but RyanSeacrest. That ain’t right.

6:26 p.m. Isaac Mizrahi touches Teri Hatcher’s stomach. Mrrr.

6:28 p.m. Okay, wait a second. Now he just pulled at the topof her gown to see if she had an acceptance speech hidden in hercleavage. I’m not 100 percent certain, but I think I just witnessed thefirst definitive case of red-carpet sexual harrassment.

6:30 p.m. Jaime Pressly disses carob. Love her!

6:32 p.m. How come everyone keeps calling Jeremy Piven ”The Piv”?

6:38 p.m. Some red-carpet moments defy comment. Isaac to EvaLongoria: “I have a question. Is it like bikini or what is it downthere? Your body hair — is it all done tonight or what?“

6:46 p.m. News you can use: Ryan says when it comes to jewelry, “Dainty and edgy is in.”

6:50 p.m. George Clooney jokes that he manages his jitters by drinking. Oh, you sad little Shiraz! Come to Daddy!

6:56 p.m. Oddly, Ryan Seacrest is making almost no impression on me. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

7:05 p.m. For her second consecutive interview, GiulianaDePandi whips out her “Mrs. Clooney” compact. “Is this so pathetic?”she asks Paul Giamatti. Um, your words, not ours.

7:10 p.m. Could Keira Knightley be any more adorable? Sheplays nice with Isaac even when he asks if she’s wearing underwear.That can’t be easy.

7:14 p.m. Isaac insists Felicity Huffman should wear a man’ssuit to the Oscars. “Mannish! Mannish!” he cries. Yeah, because thatlook always lands Diane Keaton on those best-dressed lists.

7:20 p.m. Over on the official NBC red-carpet show, zzzzzzzz…

7:22 p.m. Remember when I mentioned earlier that somered-carpet moments defy comment? Here’s one from Jessica Alba, on whyshe’s wearing underwear: “No one sees my na-na.” Alrighty then!

7:33 p.m. Queen Latifah just said she’s “kinda married.”

7:40 p.m. Seriously? Isaac has GOT TO STOP ASKING ABOUTWOMEN’S UNDERWEAR. His latest offense (to The Queen): “Speaking of achocolate-vanilla swirl, tell me about the underwear.”

7:45 p.m. Jeez! Where’s Kathy Griffin with a Dakota Fanningrehab joke? Isaac just copped a feel on poor Scarlett Johansson, andnow he’s singing “I touched Scarlett’s boob! I touched Scarlett’s boob!”

7:48 p.m. Okay, Isaac’s definitely not getting invited backto the red carpet, is he? He just told Charlize Theron that she’slooked “like a scary [lesbian, rhymes with bike] with no teeth” in allher movies for the past three years. What’s that sensation? Do I missStar Jones? Nah.

7:49 p.m. Isaac totally inappropriately asks Hilary Swank ifshe dresses differently now that she’s single, but her answer just mademy night. “I’m trying to work my marriage out,” said last year’s GoldenGlobe winner, who recently announced her separation from actor ChadLowe. C’mon, guys, you two are too too cute together!

7:54 p.m. Mariah Carey, you better work!