We ask Craig Ferguson Stupid Questions
Slap a bib on him and watch him blow out the candle on his cake: Craig Ferguson celebrated his one-year anniversary as host of CBS’ The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson on Jan. 3. Next, the Scottish comic actor-turned-talk-show host will emcee The 32nd Annual People’s Choice Awards on Jan. 10 (CBS, 9 p.m.). Shall we be so bold as to ruffle his kilt with a round of Stupid Questions?
What up, Fergie? So tell me all about your exciting new Weight Watchers campaign. What? Oh, I see. It’s a fiendishly clever way of confusing me with a fat freeloader from the royal family. Go f— yourself.
You worked as a milkman for a year. In what ways did that prepare you to be a talk-show host? It was about the same hours. And I had to talk to some very attractive people wearing very little. Also, the pay is the same. Tiffany network, my a–!
If I were to interview Craig Ferguson about Craig Ferguson, what would he say? He’d say that we’re all right now since we’ve been in therapy, but we used to be very conflicted. And so did we.
Fill in the blank: Letterman is to Ferguson as pudding is to what? Acid reflux.
Writer-director Paul Haggis was a guest on your show. Were you worried that you might be tempted to eat him instead of interview him? I said, ”You’re named after Scottish sausage,” and he said his name is English — which sounded like utter bulls— to me. He doesn’t look as tasty as the real thing, but he’s a very nice man. I try not to eat the guests. It seems right.
You played Mr. Wick, the English department store manager on The Drew Carey Show. Correct me if I’m wrong, but did you actually date and then marry Drew to get your green card? Absolutely. As far as I know, we’re still married. It’s the most successful marriage I’ve been a part of.
Given that you starred as a hairdresser in the 2000 mockumentary The Big Tease, what’s your professional take on Sienna Miller’s new shag? I’ve always been a huge fan of Jude Law. And I remain so.
Next hair question: As host of The People’s Choice Awards, are you willing to boldly predict the winner in the key ”Nice ‘N Easy Fans Favorite Hair” category: Jennifer Garner, Faith Hill, or Nicole Kidman? Are you s—ting me? Is that a real category? I would have to go with Faith Hill. There’s a lot of lacquering in there, but it’s discreet. And if there’s one thing I like about a country star, it’s discreet lacquering.
The 1995 ABC sitcom Maybe This Time featured Betty White as a five-time widow, Marie Osmond as her daughter, and you as a cook. By my calculations — let’s see, carry the Osmond, multiply by White — this was the best/ worst show ever, no? It had the possibility to be bad, but we never really plumbed the depths of utter misery that we could have gone to. Had we had a chimp, I think we’d have been all the way there.
Your Late Late predecessor, Craig Kilborn, also was named Craig, and his last name ended with the letter n. Bizarre coincidence…or poorly thought-out question? I think you know the answer to that.