On ''Survivor,'' Jamie noodges the other members of his alliance so much that they vote him off, helping quarterback Gary avoid another sack
Jamie Newton, Survivor: Guatemala
Credit: Survivor Guatemala: Bill Inoshita/CBS

”Survivor”: The alliance breaks down

I know you all want to read about this week’s episode of Survivor, but before we get to that, I just need to ask you one question: Will you be reading my column next week? Because if not, I’d at least appreciate you letting me know. We agreed that you would read these every week, and I just want to check and make sure we’re still on the same page and all. Yeah, yeah, I know I’ve asked this before, but I’m just worried because next Thursday is Thanksgiving, and you know, I’ve noticed you’re getting all friendly with the turkey and all, so I just want to double-check. Are you sure? You’re sure you’ll read it?

Oh, by the way, hey, it’s me — Jamie. Dalton said I could fill in this week. At least I’m pretty sure he said I could. I probably better double-check with him. I just want to make sure he’s gonna stick to his word. Some people say I’m paranoid, but I feel that…

Enough! Yes, I originally told Jamie he could sub in for a few weeks, but he’s driving me insane! I can’t take it anymore. Apparently, neither could any of his tribemates, which is why they voted him out. Remember the humble and sane Jamie we experienced last week? Well, it seems that was simply a mirage. Almost immediately, he started yelling at Gary for calling him a liar even though he was the one accusing Gary of lying. Then he did his best Black Sabbath-album-title impersonation and went paranoid for the next three days straight. [Thanks for the fact-check, readers!] And he also didn’t help himself by insisting Lydia and Cindy finish a reward challenge they had already lost — ”just for fun,” he said. And then there was the time…

…We interrupt this column to bring you this Survivor News Flash. We have unconfirmed reports from an anonymous source that Xhakúm tribe member Stephenie has been spotted smiling. Evidently, the alleged smile took place during a reward challenge getaway that involved a shower with another woman and obscene amounts of Folgers-coffee product placement. We are awaiting confirmation on this story and will be sure to bring you any further developments. We now return you to your regularly scheduled column, now in progress.

…and that’s the reason ”C’mon in, guys” has replaced ”You wanna know what you’re playing for?” as my favorite Jeff Probstism. But something that has never been a favorite of mine is the old videotapes-from-home montage, so I was crying almost harder than the contestants when those things started to roll. I did find it mildly curious when Danni said she was more interested in seeing her dog than her family. Look, I’m a pet guy. I even have a portrait of my deceased cat, Mr. Whiskers, hanging on my wall. (Yes, I realize how pathetic that is.) But still, try not to dis your family so blatantly on national television next time, okay?

Nonetheless, Danni was definitely part of my favorite moment from this episode (outside of seeing Bobby Jon at tribal council, that is — did he raid the Miami Vice wardrobe closet, or what?), when in the immunity challenge Probst yelled out ”Danni’s trailing behind” right as a big shot of Danni’s ass filled the screen. Don’t know if that was intentional or not, but I do know that it was priceless.

I also know that it is taking every fiber of my Redskins-loving, Cowboys-hating being to keep myself from giving props to Hogeboom. First, he finds the hidden immunity idol, and then he sits back and lets another player self-destruct, giving himself at least three more days in the game. But still, he’s a Cowboy. I know that’s a stupid reason not to root for someone, but I don’t care. Hell, I rooted vehemently against Lil in Pearl Islands just because her Boy Scout uniform creeped me out!

As far as where things stand now, I still think Stephenie is top dog, but I do have to give some props to my man Rafe. Okay, I’ve taken my fair share of shots at Arnold Poindexter, but all of a sudden, he’s an immunity-idol-winning machine — when he’s not falling face first into the water, that is. I’ve actually found myself rooting for him a bit. Hey, at least he’s not a Cowboy.

What do you think? Does Rafe have a shot at the million? Is Hogeboom still living on borrowed time? And is Lydia still stuck in the mud at the reward challenge, or what?

Survivor: Guatemala
  • TV Show