On ''The Apprentice, the two teams lead adult-education courses on how to present yourselves and how to deal with office hanky-panky
The Apprentice (Season 4)
Credit: The Apprentice: Virginia Sherwood

”The Apprentice”: Failing sex education

Tonight, as a tribute to our Fallen Tool, I will write this entire recap in Markus-speak:

I uh feel uh er um really to just put uhm naftru kelmik schnaful integration! Snez tragu uh if you just let me finish er snzzz gah thwamish!

Okay, I can’t sustain that for real long. Sorry. It burns.

This evening’s project was to create and ”teach” a ”class” at the Learning Annex, a New York City adult ”education” center that advertises with flyers that live in these white newspaper-style boxes on street corners, boxes that 8 times out of 10 also contain the remnants of someone’s lunch and, if you’re lucky, a used condom or two. I personally have never taken one of these classes, but I had a chance to go last year and hear Naomi Campbell speak about how to throw a phone at your assistant or something, and I skipped it in favor of watching American Idol. I suspect some of the courses are of some use, but when you get openly mocked on Sex and the City (remember when Charlotte dragged Carrie and Miranda to the dating class?), well, there’s a drop in prestige.

Anyway, our decimated little chickens — how sad they all were, sitting up until midnight, waiting for their four fired colleagues to come home! — set out to really blow everyone’s mind. Randal, who got shipped back over to the three-member Excel, project-managed a class on how to Stand Out!, while Jason ”Adam” Schwartzman (now forced to speak on camera regularly, because everyone with a discernible personality has been thrown off the show) headed up the Women and their salacious topic, Sex at Work — Ooooooooo!

I think we all know how this one turned out.

While Randal, Mini-Muffin, Marshawn, and Crutches led a competent, summer-camp-esque little hoo-ha about finding your inner toddler (”I want a blank check!” is apparently one thing you should say when trying to Stand Out!), the Women set about terrifying their audience. Jason Schwartzman opened by calling himself a ”nice Jewish boy from Atlanta,” before Clay — who previously had said what we were all thinking when he declared, ”I don’t think Adam has ever had sex” — turned the proceedings into a bad episode of Loveline. ”Okay, so one time this hot guy walked into the office,” squawked Clay, ”and I was like, ‘Oh my God, Becky, look at his ass!’ ” Well, that’s not really what he said, but it was along those lines. In fact, I’m willing to bet that the word ”ass” was used more times on tonight’s episode than ever before in the history of The Apprentice, and that’s counting Raj’s inner monologue. (Even Carolyn said it once or twice.) Later, Clay called Adam ”a shy, tight, Jewish boy,” which won him the obligatory double take as everyone playing at home and most of the elderly women inexplicably taking the class mentally added yet another ”ass” after ”tight.” He seemed shocked by the reaction, thus proving my theory that no one on this show can hear themselves when they speak. I’m wondering if this is some sort of medical procedure Mark Burnett is pioneering. But that is neither here nor there.

Meanwhile, btw, Markus was playing with a yo-yo.

In a freakishly close contest — audience rating of 7.07 to 6.98; maybe the elderly at the sex talk were also given crack? — Team Excel won. (Although, given Carolyn’s weird golden tank top, on some level, everyone lost.) The Excellites hobbled off to Michael Kors, where the man himself gave them new school clothes. Meanwhile, the Women set about preparing to get someone fired — plotting, scheming, and, in Felisha’s case, getting their bangs to defy gravity.

Meanwhile, btw, Markus was sitting on the terrace smoking a ginormous cigar.

Here are the uncomfortable questions that Trump asked during the boardroom:

1. ”Are you an anti-Semite?” (Clay: ”Uh, no.”)

2. ”Are you a homosexual?” (Clay: ”Uh, yes.”)

3. ”Have you ever had sex before?” (Adam: ”I’d prefer not to answer that.” [Insert line from The Breakfast Club here.])

4. ”What did you do on this task?” (Markus: ”Uh, er, I, well, ramma lamma ding dong doo!”)

But if the boys in the room thought they were uncomfortable, try sitting at home and listening to Trump explain homosexuality (”That’s why they have menus in restaurants”) or the glories of sex (”[This quote has been omitted because Whitney had her fingers in her ears and was singing at the top of her lungs throughout Trump’s lecture to Adam about the glories of sex]”).

In the end — or should I say ”at the end of the day”? — Markus tried to save his own ass and talked himself into a corner, and Trump had seen enough.

Markus, btw, thinks he was ”railroaded.” Oo-kay. Somebody call security.

One high point: Is this the first time Robin has gotten up from behind the desk to actually escort the contestants back into the boardroom? Fancy!

Next week: Star Wars. Get excited, my ducklings. I can no longer eat Domino’s, drink Pepsi, look at a dog run, or take the New York Islanders seriously thanks to this freakin’ show. It’s time to see if Trump can ruin my childhood.

What do you think? Why were the two teams’ scores so close? Was everyone too hard on Clay? And why was Markus cast in the first place?

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