Dalton Ross's Hit List for the week of October 28, 2005
1. DONALD TRUMP SAYS HE BELIEVES THERE HAS BEEN ”CONFUSION BETWEEN MARTHA’S APPRENTICE AND MINE” He’s right, there has been! For example, I can’t for the life of me figure out which one is worse.
2. KEN DOLL MAY BE GETTING A MAKEOVER The folks at Mattel are considering many changes to Barbie’s former beau, including the radical move of having him not be a complete wuss.
3. RETIRED ATHLETES TO COMPETE AGAINST REGULAR JOES ON NEW REALITY SHOW Touchdown! Home run! Slam dunk! (This program will be none of these things.)
4. RYAN SEACREST GUEST-HOSTS ON LARRY KING LIVE This officially marks the spot when ”Seacrest out!” went from simply an annoying catchphrase to a public rallying cry.
5. STICKY FINGAZ CHARGED WITH LEAVING HANDGUN IN HIS HOTEL ROOM Not sticky enough, apparently.
6. BONO AND PRESIDENT BUSH HAVE LUNCH TOGETHER Bono: ”Yes, Mr. President, I’d really like to discuss African debt relief and feel that…” Bush: ”Say, ever pass along a nasty case of Bonorrhea? Heh-heh! Get it?” Bono: ”Yes, I get it, sir.” Bush: ”Go ahead, say ‘Bonorrhea.”’ Bono: [Long pause] ”Bonorrhea.” Bush: ”Ha! Classic! Now, where is Africa, again?”
7. 21 JUMP STREET SEASON 4 ON DVD Or: Say Goodbye to Grieco.
8. PARENTS TELEVISION COUNCIL NAMES THE WAR AT HOME AS WORST SHOW FOR FAMILY VIEWING Try watching it alone — it still sucks!
9. ORIGINAL VILLAGE PEOPLE POLICEMAN SKIPS COURT HEARING ON DRUG CHARGE Soooooo, does this mean he can arrest himself, then?
10. MORE THAN 800 FANS PLAY LOST NUMBERS IN LOTTERY Hello!!! What part of cursed do you people not understand?