1 MARY-KATE OLSEN TAKES LEAVE OF ABSENCE FROM NYU You simply cannot put a price on an education. But if you could, she’d have that checkbook out lickety-split.
2 JOSH HOLLOWAY FROM LOST IS ROBBED AT GUNPOINT Blame the numbers — they’re evil! And if that doesn’t work, just blame Numb3rs, ’cause man, does that show suck.
3 CHEWBACCA ACTOR PETER MAYHEW BECOMES A U.S. CITIZEN Freakin’ Wookiees — they’re taking over this damn country! Pretty soon they’ll have all the jobs and every entry in this column will be ”Rggggghwahrggggh!” (An improvement, I know.)
4 PYROTECHNIC STUNT SENDS TOMMY LEE TO THE HOSPITAL And this just a month after Vince Neil fell off the stage. It seems sometimes when you shout at the devil, the devil shouts back. Repeatedly.
5 AL ROKER IS SHOPPING A REALITY TV SHOW ABOUT DOGS Unless the pooches are competing to be supermodels, the lead singer of INXS, or an NBC meteorologist, we’ll pass.
6 KERMIT, TEX., HONORS KERMIT THE FROG’S 50TH B-DAY As part of the celebration, the Dairy Queen sold green french fries, and let me tell you something: It may not be easy being green, but it’s a lot easier than digesting green Dairy Queen french fries.
7 ROBERTO BENIGNI STRIPS ON ITALIAN EVENING NEWS This just in: Life is beautiful, Roberto is not.
8 STAR TREK’S SCOTTY TO HAVE REMAINS SENT INTO SPACE Where they will orbit for decades, unless stolen by some ruthless space pirate. (Damn you, Khan, and your Corinthian leather!!!)
9 RICKY MARTIN SAYS HIS FAME MADE HIM ”ANGRY” You’re not the only one, Ricky. Not by a long shot.
10 BEST OF GALLAGHER VOLUMES 1 AND 2 ON DVD How about this: Instead of smashing a watermelon into a thousand pieces, I just smash my DVD player instead?