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Sarah Silverman
Credit: Sarah Silverman: Jesse Grant/WireImage

Dear Sarah Silverman,

You’re really pretty. I have liked you ever since you talked dirty in There’s Something About Mary. I bought 48 copies of the issue of the New Yorker that has Dana Goodyear’s profile of you in it, and while I’m a little angry they didn’t put you on the cover (it could be a nice sketch!), there’s a beautiful photo of you. I like how when you smile it kind of looks like you hate me. It reminds me of high school. As it turns out, though, pages of the New Yorker don’t make very good wallpaper (too many words!).

Also, I like your hair.

Sincerely,

Mickey O’Connor

P.S. I may not have my own late-night talk show, but my nana says I am quite the catch.

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