Jeff Garlin shuns the spotlight

Jeff Garlin doesn’t want you to read this article. ”Listen to me, I don’t need to get any more famous. Don’t notice me,” says the Chicago-born actor- comedian, who deserves plenty of notice for his role on HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm (Sundays, 10 p.m.) as Jeff Greene, Larry David’s cheery, enabling manager. ”If I do this interview, I may become famous — and that’s not a good thing.” Read on to see why Larry isn’t Curb’s only glass-is-half-empty guy.

Garlin has no practical use for groupies. I’m a 43-year-old happily married man with two children. How do chicks help me? But then again, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

He’d rather not be burdened with mounds and mounds of cash. Money, schmoney. I don’t want to pay more in taxes. You pay more in taxes.

He hates sitting at the best table in the restaurant. I like the corner table, so no one notices me and I eat in peace. If I have the best table, people walk by and go, ”Hello, congratulations, I want something from you.” I don’t need that.

He doesn’t crave free stuff. My house is too cluttered as it is. And when they give you the free stuff, they want you to take a picture holding it. My level of fame is perfect, because I get just enough free stuff to clutter my house and not overclutter it.

He prefers not to get the juicy roles. I don’t have to memorize lines on Curb Your Enthusiasm. If I get the good roles, I’d have to start memorizing lines. Too much work…. I love being the character guy. No one pays attention to you, so you can go to the craft-services table more often. [Plus,] nobody wants to see me make out on screen with Jennifer Aniston.

He dreads the prospect of being honored with all kinds of shiny awards. First off, you have to like things that shine. I like dull…. There’s nothing more I’d rather do than just stay at home with my wife and kids and take a nap if I’m allowed to. How much napping can I get done if I’m getting an honorary degree from the Swedish Institute of Opthamology?

He winces every time he has to give an autograph. If you like carpal tunnel syndrome, it’s fun. But I like my hand just the way it is — flexible and enjoyable.

He doesn’t want to be on magazine covers. People don’t need me in place of Paris Hilton. They’d only be upset if they saw me. I’m not pretty enough. When you change the name of your magazine to Fat Funny Jew, I’m more than happy to be on the cover.

If, against his will, Garlin somehow becomes severely famous, he vows one thing: I won’t wear a belt. I’ll hire someone to hold up my pants. Let me tell you something: a man with a hot bikini model holding up his pants? You throw that man respect.