The 10 hottest topics for the week of October 21, 2005

1 DONALD TRUMP AND REGIS PHILBIN SING ”RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER” ON NEW CD And we always thought Trump preferred brownnoses. Go figure.

2 AMERICAN IDOL JUDGES PROCLAIM FANTASIA THEIR FAVORITE WINNER You read that and say, ”Whatever.” Brian Dunkleman reads that and the shame spiral begins all over again.

3 MARTHA STEWART THWARTED IN ATTEMPT TO ROW 660-POUND PUMPKIN ACROSS LAKE I’m sorry, but that sounds a hell of a lot worse than prison. And yet, oddly, still not as bad as The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.

4 MICK JAGGER CLAIMS GIRLFRIEND IS NOT RUINING THE ROLLING STONES And unless his girlfriend answers to the name of Age or Time, we’re inclined to agree with him.

5 L.A. CABLE OPERATOR ACCIDENTALLY AIRS DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES IN SPANISH It won’t happen again. Trust me — Alfre Woodard locked the dude in her basement already.

6 BRITISH CLERIC-TURNED-AUTHOR ACCUSES HARRY POTTER OF BEING GAY That’s simply uncalled-for. Okay, so maybe he had some surveillance photos of Tinky Winky hanging out at Hogwarts, but still!

7 7TH HEAVEN OVER 200 SHOWS OLD Never seen it. Going to hell.

8 THE WEST WING TO AIR LIVE DEBATE EPISODEOkay, gentlemen, the next topic will be…ah, TV-sweeps gimmicks. Congressman Santos, we will start with you.” ”I’m pro.” ”Oooookay. Senator Vinick, your rebuttal?” ”Yep. Me too — pro. Very pro.”

9 LIL’ KIM SAYS SHE WILL NOT WORK WITH 50 CENT AGAIN BECAUSE HIS MUSIC IS TOO ”VIOLENT” Meanwhile, she says as soon as she’s released from prison she plans to ride a ridiculously oversize pumpkin across a lake.

10 SAW: UNCUT EDITION ON DVD Isn’t that an oxymoron?