October 04, 2005 at 04:00 AM EDT

”The Real World”: All play and no work for Mel

Another week, another episode so mind-numbing I feel the urge to dip my head into fire. But it’s okay, because something happened that compelled me to rewind repeatedly and even chortle. I chortled! Danny mumbled to Melinda, ”I don’t want to be with a person who’s fake, and if that’s really you, I don’t wanna be with you.” Cue the most gratuitous zoom-in on Melinda’s huge-ass jugs since…okay, well, maybe since the mid-episode MotoROKR commercial. But this one was funny. It made my night.

Damn. I have it on pause right now, which is a mistake. Next to Danny’s arm (which is now less meaty because he’s not working at a construction job where someone loves him), her rack is enormous. I can’t even concentrate. Is it just the bathing suit? Are they actually fake? Am I being disgusting? I could not care less about any of these questions, to be honest (though for the record, I believe the answers to be no, probably not, and sort of), but the still frame is glaring at me and it won’t stop.

Okay, the frame just got shadowy with a charcoal gray tint. My DVR seems to want to conserve energy. I need to take a hint.

This week, all the roommates finally had to go to work. Some of them even showed up! Nehemiah and Lacey conducted some really awkward interviews with bands named Enon and Halifax, the latter of which Rachel actually greeted by saying, ”Hi, you look very punk rock.” Oh, this must be the episode when people utter things that are glaringly obvious but should never be said out loud. In that case, I wish one of the band members had replied that people who wear ”Everyone Loves a [Ethnic Adjective] Girl” T-shirts are neither funny nor cute and should all be shot. In combat! In a war! Just kidding about that last part.

Danny and Melinda didn’t show up for the interviews because the grand reopening of their pathetic relationship accidentally conflicted with one of the five nights they have to work in five months. The pair celebrated with dinner, during which they received a page from Lacey that they both knew was coming, whereupon Danny said, ”You’ve got to be kidding me.” No, Danny, it really happened. So he and Mel, reeking of booze, stumbled over to a place called the Parish but couldn’t help rolling on top of each other on the way there. ‘Cause that’s just how Melindanny are. What a zany, fun couple! No. Shoot me.

Sorry, but they’re just so annoying. I particularly didn’t like it when Mel tumbled onto the sidewalk and suddenly got weirded out because ”people sleep out here!” See, that’s not even the grossest part about a city street. There’s gum, public urination, various forms of trash (case in point: her), and general earthly filth to consider as well. And did they really have to pick that night, at that hour, to have a boring date? I hated when they arrived at the club, couldn’t find anyone, and started complaining.

Mel: ”This is the most stupid job in the world.”

Danny: ”This job sucks.”

Wow. Vocabulary-wise, they really are perfect for each other. But who are they kidding? They’re drunk, chock-full of spaghetti, and about to watch a concert. Whatever that job is, sign me up.

Then again, the most horrific antiwork comment of the night didn’t even belong to the broken-record power couple, but rather to Wes, the ghostly doofus whose only redeeming quality is that he consistently embarrasses himself on levels I didn’t even know existed. ”We’ve got a lot of partying that needs to be done,” said Wes, ”and as far as I’m concerned, that takes priority over this stupid documentary.” Nice, dude. Good luck getting a job, ever. (That is, if he ever needs one. I swear I will make the cable company remove MTV from my channel list if this idiot gets to continue his ”career” in reality television.)

Nehemiah really stepped up this week. He’s been quiet for the past few episodes, probably because nothing of substance has happened. I liked how he and Lacey left the scene as soon as MTV-funded business turned into MTV-funded pleasure. (I wonder if the roomies really think cool punk-rock people would ever hang out with them if not for the $500 bar stipend they probably receive.) I know Neh has his own interests in mind, but it was nice to hear one of the roommates associate himself with reason and judgment for a change.

The rest of the episode was pretty much a cesspool of ridiculous comments centering on how Danny was mad at Mel for doing pretty much the same thing he did two episodes ago, i.e., flirt with the opposite sex. It seemed natural enough that he’d be jealous, especially since his rivals were cool and in a band. But Mel needs to stop listening to delusional friends like the previously unseen Katie and stand up for herself. I don’t get how a girl who looks and acts like a major porn star and could probably have unlimited power over men consistently cowers in the face of the slightest controversy.

Oh yeah, and I get that Lacey’s Little House on the Prairie joke was supposed to be funny, but I don’t get why and don’t really care. Actually, that’s sort of the way I feel about her. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a lot of better-show TV watching that needs to be done and as far as I’m concerned, that takes priority over this stupid column.

What do you think? Should Mel grow a(nother) pair? Will Neh have to hold his roommate meeting during happy hour? And how much does Paul Stekler, not to mention everyone involved in SXSW, hate these kids?

type
TV Show
Genre
run date
06/21/05
Status
In Season
Network
Complete Coverage

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