Ashlee Simpson
Credit: Ashlee Simpson: Larry Busacca/

7:50 p.m. Teen ticket taker instructs me to check my tape recorder.

7:51 p.m. Feeling rebellious, I don’t. Shhh…

8:00 p.m. Am quickly denied access to VIP balcony. Don’t they know who I am… pretending to be?

8:12 p.m. Barefoot — a pop act that Joe Simpson (dad to Ashlee and Jessica) has just signed to his new Papa Joe Records label — take the stage.

8:20 p.m. Chris, the lead singer, is wearing a black shirt with a BROWN belt. Oh, Chris.

8:21 p.m. I look at all the kids around me and momentarily pity them. Nobody should have to sit through this sober.

8:22 p.m. Hey, look, the light fixtures are gold hands holding giant tulips. Wait — am I drunk? Awesome.

8:26 p.m. Chris’ voice is flat; his hair, not so much. But –- swoon — I think he just looked at me.

8:29 p.m. Chris promises free CDs and free hugs after the show. I am so there.

8:32 p.m. My boyfriend, er, I mean Chris, sits down at the piano and begins to play ”Rain” – it’s like emo for the Radio Disney set. It’s sure to be the theme song for MTV’s next reality show.

8:45 p.m. Seriously, can I leave yet?

8:46 p.m. Crowd starts to chant ”Joe! Joe! Joe!” Papa Simpson blows kisses from the VIP area — where everyone wishes Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson were, but they’re no-shows tonight.

8:54 p.m. The crowd chants: “Ashlee! Ashlee!”

9:06 p.m. Whoa! A shockingly white-haired Ashlee takes thestage to sing ”Autobiography.” It’s like a very long, very whitemullet. She looks like a ghost.

9:17 p.m. Ashlee announces it’s hair day: ”Ray [her guitarist] shaved his, I bleached mine, and his [pointing to her drummer] is blue.”

9:23 p.m. Sings a song she wrote about seeing a ghost at herparents’ house. Sample lyrics: ”No one believes me/Cold wind on myface/Do you know how it feels to be afraid?”

9:32 p.m. I try taking a picture with my cameraphone, but it comes out overexposed, just a bright white light. Spooky.

9:39 p.m. A teenage girl in glasses gets escorted out for having a camera.

9:42 p.m. Whitey sings ”Boyfriend” while gyrating like Gwen Stefani.

9:45 p.m. Another young girl gets thrown out. What does one have to do to get escorted out? Really. Tell me.

9:46 p.m. With my smuggled tape player, I record ”Pieces of Me,” my favorite song ever. Yoo-hoo, Mr. Security Guard, look at me!!!

9:49 p.m. A third dangerous preteen is escorted out. When didmoshing become a crime? Hello? I have an illegal recording device overhere!!!

9:58 p.m. Ashlee leaves the stage. Louis Armstrong’s ”What a Wonderful World” plays over the sound system.

9:59 p.m. “Ashlee!” encore chants commence, but the ghost fails to reappear.

10:00 p.m. Beeline for the door — where, with any luck, Chris will be waiting with my free hugs.