On ''The Real World,'' Johanna ruins her big night with Leo by inviting voyeur virgin Lacey to stay in the room with them
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The Real World: Austin (Season 16)

”The Real World”: Lacey’s virtual three-way

Let me get this straight. First Johanna didn’t like Leo because he showed interest in her. Also, she guessed, ”the chemistry is what’s missing.” Fine. It wasn’t meant to be. But then Leo somehow changed her mind when he ”took the time to wake up” and drive her home from jail and shortly thereafter showed her his ”wild side” by attacking her in a giant beanbag. And now, after spending every previous episode and half of this one declaring that relationships and the people who want them are stupid, Johanna became angry at Leo for not considering their twisted little water-infused joke of a hookup a relationship.

Johanna is cute as a button and has amazing hair, and I admire the tenacity with which she devours late-night snacks. Really, I do. It’s just that she never makes sense. Ever. Tonight she said things that just left me staring at the TV, bewildered. It was even worse than the ”I don’t get it” feeling I had two hours earlier, when Suzy on The Biggest Loser drank 48 shots of milkshake during a competition to lose the most weight. Johanna beat that, and she didn’t even have to drink her usual 50 shots of booze to do it. In a way, this is sort of commendable.

Still, she doesn’t make me that mad. Right now, I’m trying to figure out why I’m not as annoyed by Johanna acting 12 as I am by Wes acting 13. Maybe it’s the way they present their immaturity. Jo has to talk through her senselessness to realize, in a sad, lost-animal kind of way, that she makes no sense, whereas Wes says things like ”Jail is not a fun place to be” and thinks he’s brilliant. Jo gets that she’s an idiot, but Wes has no idea. I loved his montage o’ melodrama — which included footage of him not only switching rooms every three seconds and throwing trash at the camera for no reason but also throwing a chair into the pool — because you could tell he really thought this was great television, as if we lucky viewers were getting an in-depth gaze into the many layers of his complexity. If I wanted to see unattractive dudes throwing things, I could just watch sports. Come on, Wes, give me something real!

Just kidding. I like sports much better than this show. There are rules, commitments, and an end in sight. Not so in Austin. Wait, speaking of sports, perv alert! Lacey needs to realize that Jo and Leo doin’ it is not a spectator sport. I don’t care what kind of creepy crush she has on the guy. I couldn’t believe it when she was about to leave her and Johanna’s room with her pillow and blanket like a normal person and Johanna gave the house’s resident 24/7 stalker an open invite for a front-row seat to all of their sex. Ninety-nine percent of humans would have laughed and kept walking, but the pervy virgin just made a devilish grin and jumped back into bed.

”I really don’t like being an audience for that type of Olympic activity,” said Lacey. There are so many things wrong with that sentence. First, it’s a lie. Lacey was lovin’ it like McDonald’s Chicken Selects. Second, who is she kidding? They didn’t want her there! Pervirgin acted all put out, as if Jo had begged her to stay, when clearly Jo was trying to soften the eviction with a little joke. And this one’s obvious, but what Olympics was Lacey watching last summer? I understand that she’s not familiar with the rules of the game or what you have to do to win a medal, but still….

Eww. The thought of Lacey staying in the room is so unsettling. I almost wish I could turn back time, make up a bed for her in the stalker screen room where she lives anyway, and slip in a porno tape to soothe her fascination. Actually, why couldn’t she have just watched them get it on from that room? She wouldn’t have to pretend to listen to music or fake being asleep. And there were leftover brats! Oh, well. I think Pervirgin just needs to get out, maybe make a friend in the area. She seems to want to have nothing to do with all the roommates, but spying on their every move and whispering about them to her boyfriend isn’t much of an edgy retaliation. She’s on the show. She doesn’t have to watch it.

What do you think? Is Jo just mad that Leo wasn’t excited about her pedicure? Will she really run to Wes as a backup non-relationship ”kissing friend”? And how will Danny react when he realizes every other guy in the universe wants to be with Melinda?

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