On ''Big Brother,'' the devious James gets backdoored by April, who still has enough time to insult us viewers at home

By Lynette Rice
Updated September 02, 2005 at 04:00 AM EDT
Big Brother 6: Cliff Lipson

Big Brother

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”Big Brother”: A week of talking trash

Truth be told, I half expected to phone this baby in last night. After last week’s sleep-inducing episodes, I had had just about enough of this sixth season of Big Brother — so much so that I felt the only way to fill this weekly column space was to bring back Kaysar myself. So I did. I talked to him on the phone for a little Q&A. But then came a new reason to keep watching the show — Tuesday’s pivotal episode! — so I guess I didn’t need Kay-Kay back at all (I included a few words from him anyway down below). And it looks like I have you fellow pieces of s— to thank for that.

What, you didn’t know that’s what April calls us Sovereign sympathizers? Clearly we must be our own brand of feces for considering Janelle far more worthy to receive a phone call from outside the house than someone like April (or Ivette, Beau, and Maggie). Honestly, seeing Ivette bawl her brains out after losing the ”America’s choice” vote was an eye-opening moment — and just the confirmation I needed that the Nerd Herd doesn’t deserve my respect. That self-righteous pack is totally unwilling to admit that their behavior in front of the CBS cameras has been anything but noble. They’d prefer to accuse the network of tampering with the vote — and call us viewers pieces of bleep — rather than consider that they might be even more duplicitous and evil than the opposing team they so despise. Says April, and I quote, ”Anyone who would sit here and think that Janelle deserves a phone call from Michael over anyone else in this house, I just have to question their character.” Of course she would do that; that’s far easier than questioning her own.

Now even I can admit that Howie and Janelle are far from saintly. He is partly responsible for the venomous atmosphere in the house in the last few weeks. But unlike the Friendship, Howie and Janelle can take a joke. Sure the Sovereign Two strategize just like Maggie and Ivette, but they never seem to take things too personally or seriously (or reduce themselves to quoting Ecclesiastes just to leverage some support). If anything, Janelle probably appreciates the need for levity the most, or she wouldn’t have jokingly argued that Michael was a loved one because she said as much when she was drunk. We probably don’t take enough time to appreciate it, but damn if that girl doesn’t walk around that house with a perpetual twinkle in her eye.

But I can’t rail too much on April (who’s also responsible for squeezing an expletive, ”absof—inglutely,” into Tuesday’s episode — did you catch it?). Fact is, Busto did come through on Tuesday by successfully backdooring James, which finally led to his ouster last night, once and for all.

Now what’s up with the double eviction? Oh yes, the start of the new TV season looms, and we have to wrap this show quickly. I’m all for it, if only because I simply cannot sit through another one of Julie’s sorry attempts at ad-libbing. (BB producers, I beg you — cut to the damn fishbowl already!) Fortunately, Howie managed to get his bearings and strike a much-needed blow at the final team in the house. Unless she manages to win the veto, I fully expect (and hope) that Ivette will go.

And finally, back to Kaysar. Of course, he’s still missed, or else someone wouldn’t have purchased another banner to fly over the house. It read, ”Kaysar — most loved in BB history.” (Unfortunately, the houseguests didn’t see this one either; a CBS publicist tells me the producers have folks stationed at the nearby airports to provide early warnings so they can put the guests in lockdown. Too bad! A little rude awakening never hurt anyone.) As Kaysar decides whether to pursue a short-term career in Hollywood (he’s set to appear on an upcoming episode of The Young and the Restless), he says he’s keeping his fingers crossed for Janelle to win the $500 K. He said he was shocked to learn about Ivette’s racist comments but didn’t take it personally. ”I knew there was the possibility of something like that taking place when I signed up, and it’s her loss. Her ignorance is unforgivable, but it has nothing to do with me. It’s just something she has to deal with.”

Shockingly, he said he often related personally to Eric — they are both against the war in Iraq — but they were polar opposites when it came to playing the game. Mostly, Kaysar was floored by the little man’s bravado. ”Eric always has to talk about being a leader,” Kaysar said, ”but a real leader doesn’t talk about being the leader — he just does it. That was my problem with those people: They were just so insecure about what they were doing.” As April would say, abso…Uh, definitely.

So what do you think? Is April’s husband big-boned or just fat? How many hours do you think will pass before a catfight breaks out in the sequester house? And did you think it was actually possible to lose weight in the house?

Episode Recaps

Big Brother

Julie Chen hosts as the houseguests battle it out.

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