Dalton Ross's Hit List for the week of September 2, 2005
1. GARTH BROOKS WILL HAVE ALBUMS SOLD EXCLUSIVELY AT WAL-MART In related news, alter ego Chris Gaines has signed a deal to have his albums sold exclusively at 99¢ stores.
2. 17-YEAR-OLD WINS MISS AMERICA’S OUTSTANDING TEEN COMPETITION She won by using not one, but two ventriloquist dummies to sing Disney tunes. Meanwhile, pageant cohost Joey Fatone immediately went out and bought a ”Lester” doll.
3. HELLFEST CANCELED Sinners around the world started high-fiving in anticipation of a better afterlife before realizing it was just a concert in Jersey. Then, they decided to burn down New Jersey.
4. JOHN O’HURLEY AND KELLY MONACO TO COMPETE IN ”DANCE-OFF” Where’s Evander? Are they ducking the champ? And is it even possible to duck someone if they keep falling flat on their face?
5. JANELLE SAYS THE F-WORD AND GIVES THE FINGER ON BIG BROTHER And this show used to be so classy.
6. JUDE LAW GETS CAUGHT BY PAPARAZZI WITH HIS PANTS DOWN ”Hey, Jude/I saw you nude/Don’t try to fake it/I saw you naked.” (I knew my first-grade mangling of a Beatles classic would come in handy some day. Next up: ”Let It Pee.”)
7. CARY ELWES WANTS MORE MONEY FOR HIS WORK IN SAW Apparently, he’d like the foot he cut off back, too. But he could always use the money to go buy some crutches.
8. BON JOVI PLAYS MILLER BEER 150TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY Unfortunately, their set was interrupted by a brawl between the ”less filling,” ”tastes great,” and ”it’s all that’s left in the fridge” contingents.
9. CORVETTE SUMMER ON DVD Mark Hamill, sans Force.
10. SNOOP DOGG STARTS SNOOP YOUTH FOOTBALL LEAGUE You don’t want to know what kind of grass they play their home games on. (It ain’t AstroTurf, people.)