The 10 hottest topics for the week of July 29, 2005

By Dalton Ross
July 22, 2005 at 04:00 AM EDT

Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of July 29, 2005

1 COOTER FROM THE DUKES OF HAZZARD SAYS NEW MOVIE ”MOCKS THE GOOD CLEAN FAMILY VALUES OF OUR SERIES” That may be true, but considering all the time we’ve spent mocking Jessica Simpson it’s only fair to let her have a turn. Don’t fret, Cooter — she’ll get hers in a week or two.

2 SPONGEBOB TO SELL CARROTS, SPINACH, AND CITRUS Health experts praised the move, except for one notable sailor man, who warned the sponge to ”back off on the green stuff, man.”

3 REMINGTON STEELE ON DVD Pierce Brosnan pre-James Bond. Stephanie Zimbalist pre-obscurity.

4 USHER OPENS SUMMER CAMP FOR YOUNG PERFORMERS ”This is truly about learning the business side,” said Usher, who then added that grabbing your crotch a whole lot never hurts either.

5 MICHAEL BOLTON NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY The specifics of how and why are unimportant: Let’s just hope he has enough time to grow his hair out for the occasion. You know you miss it.

6 MARTHA STEWART WRITING BUSINESS HOW-TO BOOK Chapter 1: Forming a Business Model. Chapter 2: The Power of Branding. Chapter 3: Keeping Your Jailhouse Beyotch in Line.

7 AMC BANS THE ARISTOCRATS Personally, I don’t think the theater chain went far enough. I mean, was it really necessary to show Rebound? I’m just asking. . .

8 BAD NEWS BEARS HITS THEATERS Do they make it to the Astrodome? If so. . .let them play! Let them play!

9 RYAN SEACREST TO DESIGN HIS OWN LINE OF SHIRTS If you like them, dial 1-866-IDOL-YAY. If not, dial 1-866-IDOL-NAY. Or you can text-message your vote to stupidestideaever. Remember, standard text-messaging rates do apply.

10 CAMERON DIAZ SAYS SHE ”WASN’T ASHAMED” TO POSE TOPLESS What about Full Throttle? Feeling anything on that?

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