Credit: Whitney Houston: Lee Roth/

The winner of today’s absolute frickin’ best (but probably totally unsubstantiated) rumor: Paula Abdul is about to exit American Idol, and Whitney Houston (left) is set to take her place.

(Sure, we can pause for a sec.)

Okay, finished applying a cold compress to your forehead? I know, seriously, how unbelievably awesome would that be? I mean, not only does this conjure up images of Whitney waving her hand all up in Simon’s face, and doing synchronized dances with Randy, but it could mean a whole new vernacular for the judging process. Mind you, it’ll all still be totally incomprehensible for contestants and viewers alike, but also a heckuva lot more entertaining.

If you’ve got any doubt, check out some sample entries from my new (and by “new,” I mean “imaginary”) Paula-to-Whitney Dictionary, which features close approximations of things Abdul and Houston have actually said on American Idol and Bravo’s Being Bobby Brown, respectively. Coming soon to imaginary bookstores everywhere!

While Paula says: ”That was a little pitchy.”
Whitney might say: ”Hell to the no!”

Paula: ”You did your best.”
Whitney: ”I want your steak and eggs.”

Paula: ”Come on, Ryan!”
Whitney: ”We don’t say s— to you. Deal with it, Seacrest. Deal with it.”

Paula: ”You are the contestant to beat in this competition.”
Whitney: ”That’s black love, baby!”

Paula: ”Shut up, Simon, shut up!”
Whitney: ”Simon, I will knock the s— out of you!”

Seriously, who’d be the better judge: Paula or Whitney? Or is there another diva out there who’s worthy of the seat?

addCredit(“Whitney Houston: Lee Roth/”)