Dalton Ross's Hit List for the week of July 15, 2005
Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of July 15, 2005
1. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN PLAYS IMPROMPTU GIG AT ICELAND’S KEFLAVIC AIRPORT
It’s the craziest thing to happen there since sassy security guard Vilhjálmur slid headfirst through the X-ray machine. Oh, Vilhjálmur, you’ll bury us all.
2. WIZARD OF OZ MUNCHKIN MICKEY CARROLL TURNS 86
86? Go figure, that’s the exact number of times I’ve had nightmares about the Lollipop Guild. Erotic nightmares, true, but nightmares nonetheless.
3. HOT DOG EATING CHAMP DOWNS 49 DOGS IN 12 MINUTES.
If you just ate, my apologies. If you’re about to, don’t bother.
4. BEN AFFLECK AND JENNIFER GARNER GET MARRIED
Well, at least someone got something out of Daredevil. I mean, besides my overwhelming desire to bite down on an AK-47.
5. CYNDI LAUPER LOSES SUIT TO HAVE NYC RENT REDUCED TO $508 A MONTH
She was only paying $989 to begin with. Apparently, girls have a lot more fun when they’re actually selling records and hanging out with Captain Lou Albano.
6. JENNIFER TILLY WINS $158,335 AT WORLD SERIES OF POKER
Dear Jennifer: How’s it going? Long time no see. Absolutely adored your work in Bride of Chucky. Can I have a loan? Love, Cyndi Lauper.
7. REBOUND DEBUTS IN SEVENTH PLACE AT BOX OFFICE
I told you Air Ball was a better title. Or Crappity Crap Crap.
8. BRAT CAMP DEBUTS
Considerable time in this week’s premiere is spent discussing something called a ”phantom dook.” Not exactly sure what that is. Not exactly sure I care to know.
9. TOM CRUISE SAYS HE BELIEVES IN ALIENS
So do I! Like that one who jumps around on couches and disses Brooke Shields.
10. SOGGY BOTTOM U.S.A. ON DVD
Unbelievably, it’s not a porno, but rather an early Don Johnson film. And yet still not a porno.