The 10 hottest topics for the week of July 1, 2005

By Dalton Ross
July 01, 2005 at 04:00 AM EDT

Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of July 1, 2005

1 MOVIE BOX OFFICE SLUMP CONTINUES Frankly, I’m stumped, because who doesn’t want to go out of their way as often as possible to pay $8 for popcorn and sit through 20 minutes of ads? And man, are remakes awesome or what?

2 MICHAEL JACKSON TELLS FANS THEIR LOVE ”DRIED MY TEARS” DURING TRIAL ”Of course,” continued the letter, ”due to several botched surgeries, I now cry through my nose. But thanks for being there. . . .And, sorry about the boogers.”

3 BOBBY BROWN USES PREPARATION H ON HIS FACE I don’t think there’s anything I can possibly add to that.

4 ROBERT DE NIRO’S MAID ACCUSED OF THEFT Okay, but is anyone who starred in The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle really in any position to claim somebody else stole money?

5 TOM CRUISE CALLS MATT LAUER ”GLIB” Good for you, Tom Cruise! It’s about time you stood up to talk-show hosts who refuse to spend every single second fawning over your love life. You give those glib bastards hell!

6 FOX PLANS CELEBRITY VERSION OF AMERICAN IDOL Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Well, unless it involves Evander Holyfield crooning ”I’m Too Sexy,” then probably not.

7 BIG BROTHER 6 ARRIVES And my self-respect departs.

8 GEORGE LUCAS OPENS NEW 23-ACRE LUCASFILM COMPLEX It’s the house that Darth Vader built. Right after his flesh stopped burning.

9 SHAQUILLE O’NEAL RECEIVES MBA Unless he’s planning on starting up a new venture such as Kobesux.com, I’m not exactly sure what he needs an MBA for. I always thought his business was dunking — and that business was good.

10 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA! It’s a patriotic day that can drive a grown man to tears. . .even if it is through his nose.

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