By Michael Slezak
June 30, 2005 at 11:10 PM EDT

Congratulations to Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, whose publicists revealed today that the couple exchanged vows during a Caribbean wedding on Wednesday, and that they’re expecting their first child. Unlike a lot of celebrity couples, Garner and Affleck have been tight-lipped about the details of their love affair. So much so that I had to resort to a little bit of fan fiction to imagine what their beachside nuptials were like:

TITLE CARD: TURKS AND CAICOS

INT: A TINY CARGO AIRCRAFT

JENNIFER GARNER, wearing a black vinyl jumpsuit and massive, red wig, is slumped in a chair, looking roughed up. GWYNETH PALTROW and JENNIFER LOPEZ hover over her menacingly. PALTROW pimp-slaps GARNER.

PALTROW
Sing like a canary, you small-screen strumpet!

LOPEZ
Yeah, you can’t just go around dating an Oscar winner without spilling some details.

PALTROW
How’d he propose? Did he reference the Red Sox? Was Damon there?

LOPEZ
Did he spread rose petals on the floor? Play anything from On the 6?

LOPEZ raises her fist and glowers.

GARNER
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you everything. Just lean in closer…I don’t want the whole world to hear.

PALTROW and LOPEZ hunch down. GARNER head-butts them in quick succession. Their foreheads split open — revealed to be only masks. Underneath are a sheepish DIANE SAWYER and KATIE COURIC. GARNER dispatches them with a couple of swift kicks to their torsos.

GARNER
Diane? Katie? How could you?

SAWYER
Nobody said the ratings business was pretty.

COURIC
I take it this means Today‘s not getting an exclusive?

GARNER
(Laughing disgustedly) I’d rather talk to Julie Chen!

COURIC and SAWYER wince. GARNER leaps out the side of the plane. She pulls a strand of her wig and it breaks away, turning into a parachute. GARNER glides elegantly and lands on a beach just as the wedding march begins to play. She unzips the jumpsuit, and reveals a flawless white slip gown. Her hair and makeup are dewy fresh by the time she reaches the altar. The groom, BEN AFFLECK, is beaming.

AFFLECK
Well, that was cutting it close.

GARNER gives a little tug on AFFLECK’s chin. Indeed, it’s his real face. She grins, then turns and faces THE MINISTER.

GARNER
Hey, these days a girl can’t be too careful.

Cue the pulsating techno theme from Alias and opening credits sequence…

addCredit(“Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck: Avik Gilboa/WireImage.com”)

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