Oprah Winfrey, Martha Stewart
Credit: Martha Stewart: Gregory Bull/AP; Oprah Winfrey: Laura Rauch/AP

So Martha’s like: ”I’m coming to L.A. this fall, and I’m taking over the 3 pm timeslot, and there’s nothing you can do about it!” And Oprah’s like: ”Nuh-uh, that is my territory!” And Martha’s like: ”We’ll see about that.” And then Oprah’s all: ”Okay, jailbird, suit yourself! And by the way, I hope your test kitchen catches on fire!” And then Martha’s like: ”You better take that back!” And Oprah’s all: ”Why don’t you try and make me?” And Martha’s like: ”You’ve got crappy taste in literature!” So now they’re meeting out by the bike rack after school, and Ellen is all: ”You know what, ladies? I’m Audi!”