By Michael Slezak
June 14, 2005 at 12:00 PM EDT

So now that Michael Jackson’s scored a not-guilty sweep, his attorney is suggesting that he won’t be having sleepovers with children anymore. Or, um, at least certain kinds of children. Wait a minute — how the heck do you define the word sleepover anyway?

While Jackson reviews the fine print of his overnight guest policy, I got started on a list of post-trial life changes he might want to consider:

1) Get some perspective, dude.
Yes, we all know Jackson’s delighted he’s not going to jail, but what’s up with his website equating the verdict with the birth of the Martin Luther King Jr., the fall of the Berlin Wall, and Nelson Mandela’s release from jail? How about a trip to the Apartheid Museum in Johannesburg so he can tell the difference between leading a massive civil rights movement and introducing the world to the moonwalk?

2) That lost childhood thing? Get over it. At best, most of us only get 12 or 13 years to play with toys, so even though Jackson had to grow up on stage, he’s had plenty of time to play catch-up. What Jackson needs is someone to tell him that he’s only four years away from turning fifty, instead of popping up on morning TV shows to spread the word that he’s ”a very kind-hearted, child-like person” who’s ”been too nice to too many people.” Enough!

3) Spend some time with your own kids, already! After a recent babysitting session for two nephews and a niece under the age of 5, I looked like that scary-dehydrated guy in the Gatorade commercial. So where does Jackson have the energy or the inclination to host scads of strange kids? It’s time to lock those Neverland gates and let Blanket (and his siblings) have the place to themselves for a while, don’tcha think?

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