''Chaotic'': Britney and Kevin's wedding video
”Chaotic”: Britney and Kevin’s wedding video
7:37 p.m. A six-pack of Zimas in the fridge, leftover Indian food in the microwave, notebook and pen on the coffee table. I know everyone at the office is a little concerned about me doing a third consecutive week of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic TV Watch, but I can totally handle this. It’s only a TV show, after all. Yeah, I know my colleague Katy pointed out that my right eye was twitching during our Wednesday meeting last week, but please, that was only a coincidence.
8:01 p.m. Do you like the way I rock it? Boy, it’s chaotic! God, I hate that theme song. And I really don’t buy it when Britney howls, ”Let’s get cray-zee!” How come it’s stuck in my head?
8:03 p.m. So this episode’s titled ”Veil of Secrecy,” eh? I’ll be the judge of that!
8:06 p.m. If Britney was so devastated when the tabloids discovered her plan for a big, splashy wedding, how come she’s so comfortable sharing home-video footage of her intimate ceremony with a national audience? Anyone?
8:10 p.m. Britney’s assistant Felicia notes guests were ”literally knocked down by the fragrance” of the floral arrangements. I wonder if she knows the definition of literally.
8:13 p.m. Boy, this chicken makhani is pretty spicy. My brow’s starting to sweat.
8:16 p.m. Kevin’s gonna shave the Feder-scruff before the wedding, right?
8:18 p.m. Here’s a charming exchange. Bridesmaid: ”How did Big Mouth keep [the news of the wedding] from us?” Kevin: ”Big Mouth had no choice.” Ah, romance.
8:19 p.m. Why can’t I shake the nagging feeling that the ”surprise” wedding was a ploy to make sure nobody in the Spears clan could raise holy hell and try to get the whole thing derailed?
8:21 p.m. ”Brother from another mother”? What the heck is Kevin talking about?
8:22 p.m. Favorite K-Fed Quote of the Night No. 1: ”Everybody really thought they were being punk’d.”
8:23 p.m. Ashton Kutcher, is that you?
8:24 p.m. Apparently, no such luck.
8:27 p.m. Favorite Imaginary Deleted Scene No. 1: Britney’s mom, clutching the hallway phone, spittle flying from her mouth: ”Bob, I don’t care if you’re in the middle of dinner — get a @#$%* prenup agreement over here within the hour or else! And Felicia, get me a Xanax!”
8:28 p.m. Mmm. Zima.
8:29 p.m. Is there no one in Britney’s life brave enough to tell her to spit out her gum before she does an interview?
8:31 p.m. Favorite Imaginary Deleted Scene No. 2: ”Baby, there’s something I need to tell you. You see, there’s this chick, Shar Jackson . . .”
8:33 p.m. Favorite K-Fed Quote of the Night No. 2: ”Then I’m nervous she was gonna go runnin’ out the back door — y’know, pull a Julia Roberts on me.”
8:34 p.m. I know it’s wrong to make fun of a couple’s wedding video, but I don’t have to feel bad about mocking the fact that they’d stoop to airing it on national television. Well, UPN, anyway.
8:36 p.m. Favorite K-Fed Quote of the Night No. 3: ”I was very, very serious saying my vows.” Dude, you do realize this revelation doesn’t earn you bonus points, right?
8:37 p.m. I know she probably didn’t mean it this way, but you’ve gotta love Felicia’s observation that ”the highlight was the wedding ceremony just being over.”
8:38 p.m. Holy crap! Britney’s got her reception dress on, and I think half the guests just caught a glimpse of her hoo-hoo!
8:39 p.m. Favorite K-Fed Quote of the Night No. 4: ”Her ass was hanging out!”
8:40 p.m. This is getting really bad, people. Kevin. Grabbing garter belt. With his teeth. My eye’s twitching again. What’s that? ”Your brother — I don’t care. Daddy wasn’t watchin’.” Lalalalala . . . I can’t hear you, Kevin! ”My mom was in the background rootin’ me on. Thanks, Mom.” I said I can’t hear you! Lalalalala!
8:41 p.m. Is the garter footage over? I don’t want to look!
8:44 p.m. Suddenly, everyone’s wearing sweat suits that say ”pimps” or ”maids.” I feel kinda tingly.
8:46 p.m. Should I wear a track suit to work tomorrow?
8:49 p.m. I can hear Britney’s voice. She’s sharing her words of wisdom with me. Everyone be quiet so I can hear her! ”The more you throw [your wishes] out to the universe, if you’re in the right space and place in your life, it’s weird how the universe gives it back to you.” Never mind, everyone. Keep talking.
8:51 p.m. Britney’s continuing to impart knowledge, this time about the wonders of womanhood — and how it ties in with her new video.
8:53 p.m. She’s singing, and rubbing her pregnant belly. No one told me there was going to be singing!
8:56 p.m. Kevin’s video love note to Britney. He’s tearing up. So am I.
8:58 p.m. Mommy?
11:23 p.m. I’m back. Sorry. I needed to lie down. So what do you think? Did seeing their wedding affect your opinion of their relationship? Why do you think they didn’t run the audio of their vows or anybody’s toasts? And should they have maybe once mentioned Kevin’s other family?