The 10 hottest topics for the week of June 17, 2005

By Dalton Ross
June 13, 2005 at 04:00 AM EDT

Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of June 17, 2005

1 BRITISH MAGAZINE OFFERS PARIS HILTON REPORTED $2 MILLION FOR ACCESS TO WEDDING Okay, first off that’s the equivalent of, like, a nickel to her. Second, the woman is such a media slut she probably would do it for an actual nickel.

2 CINDERELLA MAN OPENS IN FOURTH PLACE AT BOX OFFICE Did somebody say ”pumpkin”?

3 RICK SCHRODER CAST ON STRONG MEDICINE ”Doctor, hurry! We’ve amputated the letter y from the patient’s first name, yet can’t get his career off life support. And there’s also some sort of silver spoon lodged in his throat. . .We’re losing him!”

4 LINDSAY LOHAN’S CAR CRASHED INTO BY PAPARAZZO What happened to her stupid Love Bug — it couldn’t escape one measly dude with a camera? I thought that thing was ”Fully Loaded”?

5 CARSON DALY TO MOVE HIS LATE-NIGHT TALK-SHOW STUDIO FROM NYC TO L.A. When another Carson made a similar move 33 years ago, a city mourned. This time, not so much.

6 NEIL ARMSTRONG THREATENS TO SUE BARBER FOR COLLECTING AND SELLING HIS HAIR FOR $3,000 ”Dammit!” lamented the famed astronaut. ”I knew I shouldn’t have gone for the full-body wax! Somebody get me a shot of Tang.”

7 BRITNEY AND KEVIN: CHAOTIC FINALE AIRS Parting is such sweet sorrow.

8 SOPRANOS TO RETURN IN MARCH 2006 I would say better late than never, but if that means having to watch The Comeback for the next few months, ”late” isn’t looking so hot either.

9 SLY STALLONE TO START WORK ON RAMBO IV ”I have the old headband, machine gun, and bow and arrow ready to go,” said Sly. ”Now watch me go bludgeon some NBC execs for canceling The Contender. Oh, yeah, and lots of Commies, too.”

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