On ''The Bachelorette: The Women Tell All,'' Sarah W. suffers nearly an hour of relentless attacks: It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for the self-proclaimed babe

By Michael Slezak
Updated May 07, 2005 at 04:00 AM EDT
Credit: The Bachelor: Bob D'Amico
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”The Bachelor”: The other women stomp Sarah W.

Watching The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, I couldn’t help thinking of the climactic scene in Fatal Attraction, you know, where Michael Douglas drowns Glenn Close in a bathtub, and then Anne Archer finishes her off with a handgun. It was messy, mean-spirited, and necessary — exactly what the audience wanted — and it worked, because the screenwriters knew when to stop. Nobody dropped a grenade in the tub, just to be on the safe side, or took Glenn out back to the wood chipper to dispose of the evidence.

Yet when Sarah W., who’s been playing the role of deluded blond bunny boiler all season long on The Bachelor, finally got her comeuppance from a tag team of competing bachelorettes in front of a studio audience, I had to wonder: If this woman is the baddie, then who’s the hero? Certainly not Anitra or Kindle, neither of whom exhibited a single interesting character trait all season, despite significant airtime. It sure as heck wasn’t vacuous Danushka, who must’ve spent weeks with her acting coach cooking up a decent line that would extend her four minutes of fame. And definitely not Jenny, who apparently thinks going on a reality TV dating show is a good way to defend Canada’s national pride.

Mind you, I’m no fan of Sarah W. Whatever good will or sympathy I had left for the pouty-mouthed narcissist evaporated in a cloud of rage last week when, during her post-rejection exit interview, she invoked the term ”racist” to describe how, as an attractive, blond woman, she knew all about discrimination. (Someone, please pass this woman a seventh-grade history textbook!)

That said, I’m not entirely convinced Sarah W. deserved the tear-down she received during The Women Tell All. Or, even if she did, whether said tear-down made for good television.

One thing’s for sure, though, a tear-down is what the show’s producers were aiming for, and they went so far as to offer up a few sacrificial lambs to give the panel of she-beasts a taste of blood before bringing out the main course.

”Geitan is old, pathetic,” Danushka shrieked about the only woman this season who rejected Charlie (but then, of course, came groveling back looking for a rose).

”We had to hide the alcohol from you,” Jenny strangely sniped at Kerry. Oh come on now, if I need at least two glasses of red to get through a one-hour episode, then Kerry had the right to walk around with a hip flask of gin if she so chose.

The producers even used taped comments from Charlie himself to contribute to the chorus of cruelty. ”I detect a girl that is crazy — she’s turning into a Nutty Buddy, and that’s never been my favorite candy bar,” Charlie said, referring to the self-described bathing-suit model and government investigator Kristine.

I’ve wondered since episode 1 why ABC referred to Kristine as a ”bikini model,” as opposed to simply a ”model.” Does the distinction mean she won’t accept paid work sporting sweater sets, or Capri pants, or surgical scrubs? And is there a difference between her job and that of ”swimsuit model” Kimberley? Maybe the latter’s job description requires her to wear a bathing suit (and not much more) every time she leaves the house. How else to explain her decision to wear a bespangled aqua bikini top for the Women Tell All proceedings?

Say what you want about Kimberley, though, I thought she acquitted herself pretty well of the charges that she dressed like a hoochie mama just to attract Charlie — since she clearly likes to dress like a hoochie just for the hell of it! I also found it amusing that Kim’s wardrobe choices offended her fellow Edmonton native Jenny, who, try as she might, never sounds as smart and classy as she wishes she did. ”I just want people to know that there’s more to Canada than bathing suits and being half-dressed,” Jenny stammered, somehow believing that thanks to Kim, the mere mention of her motherland now invokes images of pole dancers and bared midriffs, not sled dog races and maple syrup and people saying ”aboot.” To my surprise, the only woman to make a funny Kim Wild joke was Krisily: ”There is a Kimberley line of clothing,” she said at one point. ”It’s called lingerie.”

Anyhow, at least Kimberley’s not in Sarah W.’s habit of going out with five ”top dog guys” simultaneously as part of a ”dating rotation” that’s ”fantastic for the bank account,” a comment that trumped all others in this episode for sheer insanity. Didn’t Sarah W. fear such a revelation would make her seem like a trashy opportunist? Or that it might mess up her best efforts to hitch more guys on her gravy train?

Then again, maybe not. ”Men are simple,” Sarah W. offered. ”If you’re beautiful and men perceive you as that, that’s all there is to it.” Not surprisingly, this sent her rivals into a fit of fury. Anitra, whose role tonight appeared to be played by Marisa Tomei, started yelling something about Sarah W.’s ”self-imposed supremacy that you spew on everyone,” while Kindle (portrayed convincingly this evening by a terrifying drag queen) hissed, ”Welcome to the real world, b—-! You’re not that pretty!” Forgive me for thinking such indignation rang hollow coming from women who’d spent weeks selling out the idea of true love to get a few minutes of precious airtime on ABC, but seriously, has there ever been such a depressing, romance-free edition of this series?

If you needed any evidence of that, all mentions of Charlie, Sarah B., and Krisily seemed like an afterthought. And even the two bachelorettes left standing seemed less interested in discussing their possible engagement to Charlie than in lobbing barbed questions at Sarah W. — as if feeling the hatred of 11 women, host Chris Harrison, and most of the studio audience wasn’t enough, Sarah W. was subjected to videotaped attacks from Sarah B. and Krisily.

Though it may never happen again, I agree with Sarah W.’s succinct take on the situation: ”What a bunch of jerks!” But I’d apply it not only to the other women but also to Sarah W., Charlie, and everyone else involved in this season of The Bachelor.

What do you think? Did anyone come out of this episode looking good? Who came out looking the worst? And would our attractive readers weigh in: Is it really not easy being pretty?

The Bachelor: Charlie

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