December 13, 2004 at 05:00 AM EST


MTV TO BRING BACK THE ASHLEE SIMPSON SHOW IN JANUARY We bet she’s so excited, she’s breaking out in song! Sure, not the right one, and really more of a lip-synch, but, you know…still really excited.


CARSON DALY TO HOST NEW YEAR’S EVE SPECIAL But it doesn’t even go until midnight! C’mon, Carson — if 418-year-old Dick Clark can stay up all night to watch a stupid ball drop, you can suck it up a little. Or suck it in, as it were.


MARIAH CAREY PLANS BROADWAY SHOW This has Glitter sequel written all over it. (And yet I can’t stop reading.)


OCEAN’S TWELVE OPENS With names like Clooney, Pitt, Roberts, Zeta-Jones, and Damon, this is like the N.Y. Yankees of movie casts…only I’m sure none of these cats are on’roids. Pretty sure.


BAND AID 20 SINGLE HITS NO. 1 IN THE U.K. I still miss Paul Young. In general.


RESEARCHERS CONFIRM THAT MARS ONCE HAD WATER Unfortunately, those same researchers are still unable to account for the explosion of really bad Mars movies in the year 2000 (Red Planet, Mission to Mars) — although Val Kilmer was offered as one possible explanation.


MISS PERU CROWNED MISS WORLD 2004 More shocking was the fact that one of the pageant’s hosts was…Troy from The Apprentice! What, they couldn’t shell out for freakin’ Kwame?!?


PEYTON MANNING CLOSES ON NFL TD RECORD He probably just passed it as I typed this. Damn you, gunslinger!


JON STEWART’S AMERICA (THE BOOK) NAMED BOOK OF THE YEAR BY PUBLISHERS WEEKLY Over The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries: My Life Tailing Paris Hilton? I don’t know what the folks at Publishers Weekly are smoking…


MCENROE CANCELED I blame Val Kilmer.

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