The 10 hottest topics for the week of Dec. 3, 2004

By Dalton Ross
Updated December 03, 2004 at 05:00 AM EST

1 GREEK LAWYERS MAD OVER BISEXUALITY IN ALEXANDER Where were these lawyers when My Big Fat Greek Life was on the air? Now there’s a protest we could’ve gotten behind.

2 VANILLA ICE’S ESCAPED GOAT AND WALLAROO detained after scratching woman and denting car See, I told you he was cooler than Hammer.

3 ”LIKE A ROLLING STONE” BY BOB DYLAN NAMED THE GREATEST SONG OF ALL TIME BY ROLLING STONE Fine, but isn’t this a bit like ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY naming ”That’s Entertainment” as most entertaining song ever?

4 ELTON JOHN CALLS GEORGE W. BUSH ”THE worst thing that has ever happened to america” Apparently, he’s forgotten all about ”The Macarena.” And Shasta McNasty.

5 PAUL MCCARTNEY TO PERFORM AT SUPER BOWL I think the most scandalous thing he could do is not play ”Let It Be.”

6 AFI TO AIR SPECIAL ON THE 100 BEST MOVIE QUOTES I’d like to nominate Rowdy Roddy Piper for his line in They Live where he says, ”I have come to kick ass and chew bubble gum…and I’m all out of bubble gum.” But that’s probably just because I like to nominate anyone sporting a kilt.

7 FAKE STORY PRINTED ABOUT R. KELLY HITTING ON ASHANTI’S UNDERAGE SISTER Now what could possibly make people believe an article like that?

8 SEINFELD PUFFY SHIRT DONATED TO SMITHSONIAN Man, if they’re still accepting, I’ve got shirts much uglier than that.

9 NEW STUDY REVEALS THAT EATING APPLES IS GOOD FOR YOU Meanwhile, in an unrelated yet equally revealing report, it was found that water makes you wet.

10 MEL GIBSON WON’T BUY OSCAR ADS FOR PASSION Are you listening, Surviving Christmas?