...with Sharon Osbourne

By Dan Snierson
Updated November 12, 2004 at 05:00 AM EST

She’s the Princess of Darkness. The conductor of the crazy train. The rock to Ozzy’s roll. Sharon Osbourne — colorful band manager and matriarch of metal’s nuttiest family?has returned to the tube with her husband in MTV’s Battle for Ozzfest, a reality series that features loud, scary bands competing for a slot on the popular headbanging summer tour. Let’s turn up her mic to 11 and see if she can answer a few Stupid Questions.

I recently tried to talk to your daughter for this page, but she missed three of our interview times. Do you have a good excuse for her — or at least something I can sell to the tabloids? She was busy doing promotion for her ABC show and she was overbooked. Out of her control… Mom’s here to wipe up the s—.

Kids these days. What are you gonna do? Tell me about it.

No, seriously. What are you going to do? There’s nothing you can do. Believe me, I have tried everything.

Surely Kelly and Jack are about to get in trouble for something. Should we think of a punishment now to save you time, such as taking away their right to rock for a day? That would be really hard. It would be the same as trying to take their credit cards away.

In Battle for Ozzfest, is it pretty much the case that the band with the most cross tattoos, Satan references, and umlauts in its name wins? And the smelliest armpits. A venereal disease would help. That would probably put you over the edge.

There’s talk that Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand might join forces for a big tour in 2005. How do you think this will affect attendance at Ozzfest next year? Oh my God. That’s one ugly f—ing show. Scary. I’m spooked already. My God, we’ll have to start singing show tunes.

Rounding off to the nearest minute, what’s the longest you’ve ever gone without swearing? Oh, s—…. See? I don’t think I’ve ever made it more than a minute.

Robbie Williams said that you once called his hotel room — which you thought was Ozzy’s —and started talking dirty to him. Considering some of your normal conversations, what exactly does ”talking dirty” mean to Sharon Osbourne? Oh, you have to go real big, because I give the best obscene phone calls. I do a great 1-900 phone call.

What’s Ozzy doing right now? Is he totally rocking dark? He is. He’s right next to me eating cantaloupe.

That’s…kind of badass. It’s terrible, isn’t it? He’s sniffing it. He’s sniffing cantaloupe again.

Good luck with that. Were you as horrified as I was to see Ozzy working out to ”Wind Beneath My Wings” on The Osbournes? Oh, come on — it was fabulous. It went with the headband.

When he kisses you good night, are you ever afraid that he’ll bite your head off? No, I’m just afraid he’s going to break wind.

Kerrang! magazine named you this year’s ”Most Important Person in Rock.” So, what’s the most important thing you’re going to do today? Hang up on you.