...with Regis & Kelly

He’s logged more than 15,000 hours of TV airtime. She’s the reason anyone under 50 tunes in to the morning chatfest. Together, they offer television’s best excuse to stay in bed past nine. Now that Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa are entering their fourth year together of Live with Regis and Kelly, let’s see how these two professional gabbers talk their way through our stupid questions.

On Live you just featured your self-created awards show, the Rellys. Why not the Kegises or the Philpas?

KR We tried that, but those sounded like social diseases.

I notice that you guys nominated Howie Mandel for two Rellys. You realize that you’re only encouraging him?

KR We try to throw Howie a bone now and then because he’ll really fill in for us at the last second.

Anyone who wins a Relly takes home…a golden stool. But is a golden stool really something you want to look down and see in the morning?

KR It comes with its own plastic baggie.

Regis, you just earned a spot in the Guinness World Records for being on TV for the most hours. Who gets the better table — you or the guy with the really long fingernails?

[Awkward silence] KR You know? The guy with the long twisty fingernails? Regis is a little confused. RP I thought you meant someone on our show. KR Regis could win second-longest fingernails because as I’m staring at him right now, [to Regis] you look like you’re wearing Lee Press-On Nails.

Kelly, you’ve said that with your newly renegotiated deal you’re making ”probably too much.” How do I score that deal from my boss?

KR Medication and hypnosis.

Regis, you look kinda, well, almost hot on the cover of your new album, When You’re Smiling. Whose body did you superimpose your head onto? RP That cover has got women crazy, beginning with Kelly right here. KR And Faith Ford. RP Who’s next? Joy Behar and Star Jones?

Regis, if you were on a sinking ship and you could save only one person, would it be Kelly, or your executive producer Michael Gelman?

RP I’d save Donald Trump. He has more money than both of them. KR I’d save them both and sacrifice myself.

Is Gelman in the room now?

KR Yes, and he has a knife to my throat.

Gelman, who would you save?

I’d commit suicide.

There’s a Regis University in Colorado. If I enrolled there, what would I learn?

RP Probably to be a little more respectful of Regis.

Regis, for nostalgia value, do you ever just phone a friend?

[Long pause] RP Oh, yeah.

You’re not even listening to me, are you, Regis?

RP No. I’m watching The Wayne Brady Show.

Kelly, what’s going on in Regis’ head right now?

KR You lost him 10 minutes ago. He has the attention span of my son, who is in second grade. RP How do I get out of here? Who are we talking to anyway?

Live with Regis & Kelly
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