Drew Daniel: Tony Esparza
September 22, 2004 at 12:00 PM EDT

Big Brother

TV Show
Reality TV
Julie Chen
Current Status
In Season

”Big Brother”: Drew wins by a hair

Drew who? Honestly, I think I watched two months of Big Brother 5 just to have those few minutes of studio time with Jase, Scott, Holly, and Marvin during the season finale — not to see who would ultimately score the cash. Did Julie Chen finally pick up the ball and run it for a touchdown? You bet! Was it mean, embarrassing and downright uncomfortable? Hell, yeah! But worth every minute of what was otherwise a pretty predictable ending to a decent — sometimes disappointing but occasionally thrilling — season. I learned quite a few things during those precious few minutes of reunion time:

1. Jase can’t possibly survive without the presence of a camera or a studio audience.

2. Scott can be a straight-up guy while . . .

3. Marvin can be a hands-down butthole.

4. Mike is a lot better looking outside of the house. Was it just me or did the dude actually have an attractive, tawny glow?

Perhaps something was burning inside him. He up and accused Karen of being a 24/7 backstabber! It was pretty much at that moment I started to wonder whether CBS prepped the ousted houseguests to behave as hatefully as they could — or else Jase wouldn’t have immediately razzed Marvin for having to hang out with the house homo and Holly wouldn’t have babbled about bad karma and her dislike of Diane. Oh, who cares if it was all staged for the folks back home? It was true payoff TV.

But I was close to turning off the TV when Marvin asked Cowboy whether he was a racist liar or a lying racist. How exactly does someone answer this question on national TV? Oh, I know — ignore it. But Poor Cowboy didn’t. He rambled on about having ”black nephews” (starting to cover my eyes at this moment) and loving ”every type of race” (really, really pressing hands against my face now). Note to exec producers Arnie Shapiro and Allison Grodner: Steer clear of rodeo casting calls next summer, wouldya please? It’s bad enough I had to endure Michael’s ”that was nervousing” line earlier this summer, much less ”I didn’t win no HOH or nothing” last night. I think I speak for most viewers when I say that if I wanted to pity reality-show contestants, I’d watch a continuous loop of the WB’s hoax job Superstar USA.

Okay, okay, I’d better address the winner. Drew, what can I say? You’re hot, you’re crafty, and now you’re rich. I wasn’t particularly surprised by those votes from Will, Diane, Marvin, and Karen, but I was surprised to hear you go on about how much you miss Diane and can’t wait to see her outside the house. Game’s over, brother. You can stop the lying. (And speaking of brother, that twin of yours is darn hot, too. But you knew that.)

Final thoughts: Loved the live audience; didn’t love the uncomfortable make-out session between Cowboy and his fiancée. Loved that Nik voted for Cowboy; hated thinking that meeting on a reality show may prevent these two sibs from ever really bonding. Loved that somebody pointed me in the direction of fitnesstwins.com so I can scoff at Adria and Natalie all year; hated that the twin twist was the main reason for the ridiculously named Project: DNA. Loved Jase; hated Jase. Loved that I hated Jase!

Mostly, loved July, hate September. So long, BB, my hot-weather friend. Until next summer . . . Lynette Rice.

What did you think? Was the jury just or just jerky? Which Horseman deserved to ride home with the reward?

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