Bye-bye, Di. Hello, jury. With Diane gone, we lay out the case for the Hairless Horseman or the Clueless Cowboy

By Lynette Rice
Updated September 18, 2004 at 12:00 PM EDT
Diane Henry: Tony Esparza

Big Brother

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”Big Brother”: Bye-bye, Di; hello, jury

OK, that was sweeeeeeeeeet — sweet to see Diane take the walk of shame out the door after embarrassing herself in the Head of Household competition and especially sweet to see her booted after she screwed Cowboy out of winning the first part of the contest. (Though I must say, it was a brilliant move on her part — even if it was unintentional. How stupid was Cowboy? Dude, you tumbled because you were fixing her frickin? ponytail! Explain that to your son when you get home!)

It was even sweet to see Julie enjoy a rare moment of clarity by asking Diane strong, pointed questions inside the studio. Julie: Um, girlfriend, you actually think you?ll have something outside the house with Drew? Diane: Oh, yes, oh yes, he loves me — I know he loves me! If only the camera continued to follow these bozos after BB was over, just so we could see the look on Diane’s face when she realizes that Jase and Holly’s relationship was actually more stable and honest than hers was with Drew.

Anyway, let?s get right to it. I think this could actually go down to a very close vote on Tuesday, so its time we discuss the pros and cons of a Drew versus Cowboy showdown. At this stage, here?s why I think Drew will win the $500K:

1. Bar none, he?s been the best player in the house. He not only lasted to the end, but he also effectively and masterfully lied, cheated and stole to get here. If that?s not a superior BB player, than I don?t know who is.

2. He?s hot, and hot boys finish first. Let’s be honest, looks count in this unfair world — though I was completely blown away to learn last night that Will choose Scott (!!!) over Drew as his dream ”husband.” (Maybe Will got a peek at Scott?s Playgirl shots via the Internet in the jury house.)

3. He won HOH four bloody times. That ain’t the work of a schlepmeister.

4. He made Diane look bad by manipulating her 24/7, and for Diane haters everywhere, that was worth its weight in gold.

5. Did I mention he was hot?

That doesn?t mean Drew doesn?t have plenty of serious faults working against him, starting with:

1. His choice in bed partners. I?m willing to get over the notion that he supposedly had a girlfriend at home. But Diane? He hooked up with Diane? A romp with Holly would have been less painful to watch. On the other hand . . .

2. Diane resentment aside, he was pretty darn mean to her — getting her to think he liked her and then totally coming down on her for ”kissing” Marvin when nothing really happened. Did I actually feel sorry for Diane? You bet Drew’s hairless a–. Come on, admit it: He behaved like a pig.

3. Earlier in the season, he bawled like a baby on network TV after his fellow Horsemen guilted him out for possibly switching sides. Who does he think he is, Diane? Get a grip, man!

4. Lack of hair. Who in their right mind shaves that much?

5. Nobody that hot needs to win $500K. He already got his payday at birth.

That, of course, leads me to think that Cowboy will win after all and here?s why:

1. He?s a nice guy who doesn?t appear to have an evil bone in his body. Despite the fact that one has to be a superior butthole to make a difference in the game, I think the houseguests — especially the freshly evicted ones — ultimately resent those who are mean and shrewd and prefer to honor those who wouldn?t hurt a flea.

2. He?s got a kid and a fiancée, and they could use the money.

3. Despite the fact he never really won much of anything during the game, he still made it to the end, and people may reward him for it.

4. The guy practically demands that we feel sorry for him. Look, his dad abandoned him as a kid! He met his half sister on a reality show, and chances are pretty darn good she?ll completely blow him off when this is all over! How can you not feel empathy for the guy?

Well, there are several reasons, starting with a pretty big one:

1. He rode everybody in this house better than those damn broncos back at home. Exactly what did Cowboy do on his own to deserve a spot in the final two?

2. Strategy? Did he ever display a sense of strategy? Can he even say strategy without adding an extra t at the end?

3. He hooked up with the Four Horsemen, who were complete dunderheads. Guilt by association right there.

4. He left his kid for three months to be on a game show. A game show. You want to make some good money for your family? Follow the lead of the rest of America and get a real job.

Obviously, this can go on and on.

What do you think? How should the final two plead before the jury? And who gets your vote?

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Big Brother

Julie Chen hosts as the houseguests battle it out.

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