Credit: Heathers: ScreenScenes

We admit it: We love snotty witches in teen movies

I like my noses button, my hearts twisted, and my ladies alpha; and when it comes to teen movies, I root for the bitchy popular girls. For starters, they’re pretty. And I enjoy watching them move in packs, like malevolent deer. The high school catwalking of Regina George’s clique in ”Mean Girls” is much more rousing than all that slo-mo ”Reservoir Dogs” man-strutting. And it makes me want to apply lip gloss, a feat thus far unmatched by Quentin Tarantino’s oeuvre.

I also appreciate their ruthless efficiency, no doubt inspired by that haunting cheerleading haiku — ”Be Aggressive, Be-Be Aggressive!” In ”Sixteen Candles,” it was minidressed queen bee Caroline Mulford who kick-started a supercool house party, while that mouthbreather Samantha whined her night away with a dork in a broken car. (And she was wearing a vest. Ew.) Nasty, hot girls are also guardians of conformity — the linchpin of the sheeplike consumerism that fuels America’s economy! Ponder this ”Pretty in Pink” equation: ”Artsy” Andie individualizes her gym-class uniform with a jaunty handkerchief. The cool chicks pick on her until she gets in trouble. Unique accessorizing = downfall. The Gap rejoices.

Everybody also knows that popular bitches rule — literally! Smelling of cotton candy and fresh blood, they are the true girl-power players in any school. As Miss Chandler (a.k.a. Kim Walker, pictured center with Lisanne Falk and Shannen Doherty), head of the Heathers, put it: ”They all want me as a friend or a f—. I’m worshipped at Westerburg and I’m only a junior.”

Still backing the underdog? Well, chew on this: Popular girls are actually the real losers in any teen movie. Sadly, the ”nice” wallflower always scores the guy. Meanwhile, poor Mean Regina got fat and hit by a bus, a Heather gets murdered, and while nerdy Samantha was chilling her freckled ass on that glass table and smooching Jake Ryan, popular Caroline was left hungover, poorly coiffed…and sticky with Anthony Michael Hall’s dried saliva.

  • Movie
  • 103 minutes