June 11, 2004 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 MARTHA STEWART She hopes to stay out of jail by doing community service. She’ll teach underprivileged women how to yell at the servants.

2 GENE SIMMONS The Kiss bassist denies making anti-Muslim comments. ”Did I say ‘Muslim?’ I meant ‘women.”’

3 PAT BENATAR She’s become a spokesperson for hearing-aid batteries. What’s that? You say Pat Benatar’s in the pokey for assault and battery?

4 SADDAM’S PISTOL President Bush reportedly keeps it in his office. Be careful, he keeps it full of water, too.

5 SEINFELD The comedian has spent more than $1 million on a Manhattan garage to park five of his sports cars. Considering gas prices, it’s cheaper than driving ’em.

6 HARRY POTTER The teenage stars are growing faster than they can make the movies. The next one scheduled is ”Harry Potter and the Convertible of Midlife Crisis.”

7 BARBRA STREISAND She’s selling many of her famous movie and stage outfits for her favorite charity — Drama Queens Without Borders.

8 POOL COOL The new status toy for your cement pond is a floating chair with a built-in neck massager and an MP3-player holder. How did you ever get a pool, you lazy slob?

9 BRITNEY SPEARS China must approve her stage costumes for her concerts there. Stopping the spread of AIDS and SARS in their country can just wait until this gets settled.

10 FERGIE Her Ubiquitousness has become the new mouthpiece for a belt that electronically stimulates your ab muscles. And I’m supposed to lean over and plug it in myself?

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