By Jim Mullen
Updated April 23, 2004 at 04:00 AM EDT

Jim Mullen’s Hot Sheet for the week of April 23, 2004

1 2004 VH1 DIVAS Don’t miss it. You know how VH1 hates to repeat things.

2 THE APPRENTICE In the big finale Donald Trump decided who gets a $250,000-a-year job with his company. Opening the mail.

3 JOHN STAMOS/REBECCA ROMIJN-STAMOS The beautiful couple has called it quits after five years of marriage. Where’s the constitutional amendment to ban actors from marrying?

4 THE PUNISHER A man whose family has been destroyed is bent on revenge upon the rich and evil John Travolta. He captures him and forces him to fly coach for the rest of his life.

5 SPARTACUS A mini-series about the Roman slave revolt starring ER’s Goran Visnjic. Why is it in movies slaves always look hunkier and healthier than their owners?

6 THE BECKHAMS Claims that soccer star David has cheated on his ex-Spice Girl wife have made headlines in Europe. Here, if you want to keep something out of the papers, say it involves soccer.

7 CONNIE AND CARLA Two women pretend to be drag queens to escape the Mob. This was J. Edgar Hoover’s original idea for the Witness Protection Program.

8 HOWARD STERN The FCC shocked the jock by fining his bosses $495,000 for his dirty mouth. The good news is that if you only spew hate and lies they won’t touch you.

9 BARBARA WALTERS How did she reportedly get a $6 million advance for her memoirs? She just casually said to her agent, ”If I had a dime for every celebrity I’ve ever interviewed…”

10 THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST Reports say it’s one of the most pirated DVDs on the black market. Buy two and get a shoplifted Bible for free.