By Dalton Ross
April 02, 2004 at 05:00 AM EST

Over the past five years, Craig Kilborn has welcomed more than 3,000 guests on CBS’ The Late Late Show — which makes the rest of us feel like big-time slackers. Thanks, Craig. With the well-coiffed one celebrating his fifth anniversary as host on April 1, we decided to stick him on the other side of the desk for some stupid questions.

How many Lates can you put in a show title before it simply turns into Early?

The answer is 3 1/2. That means it’s on at 2:30 a.m. We’re actually trying to change it to The Great Great Show, but no one’s buying it.

You replaced Tom Snyder on this program. Why do you hate old people so much?

Au contraire! I have a wonderful respect for old people. I used to make fun of young people when I was 17 — the angst, the insecurities, all those tattoos.

So you deny being an ageist bastard?

That’s correct. You know why I love old people? I had John Cleese on the other day and he summed it up best by saying ”When you get older, you just don’t care anymore because you only have so many years left.”

You often refer to yourself as both ”Kilby” and ”Craiggers.” Are you daring people to beat you up?

I learned at an early age that using the third person will push some buttons. Those that get frustrated with it are going to hell. Those that smile are going to heaven. It’s that simple.

The NBA’s Minnesota Timberwolves allowed you to play in a team scrimmage, and you posted one point and one rebound. Were you all bummed you didn’t dish out an assist and become the master of the triple-single?

I was just trying to not get hurt, and sadly, I did pull my hamstring. I kept reminding Latrell Sprewell and Kevin Garnett, ”Guys, I’m 41!” I asked coach Flip Saunders, ”Why didn’t you invite me 10 years ago?” and he said, ”Nobody knew who you were 10 years ago.”

Who was worse: ex-Laker Magic Johnson as a talk-show host or you as an NBA player?

Being the nice guy that I’ve slowly become, I’d say me as a basketball player. Wow, somebody’s mellowing.

You were once voted ”sexiest late-night talk show host” in an Internet poll, yet you only beat Ted Koppel by 1 percent. Ted Koppel!

There’s a powerful animal magnetism that comes through that furrowed brow. I’ve never ended an interview early, but don’t dis Koppel!

Whoa, down, boy! You played Male Nurse in a 1999 episode of The Bold and the Beautiful where you held a jar of someone else’s piss. Even with Hunter Tylo involved, this strikes me as neither bold nor beautiful.

I would never do that again. Maybe a gall-bladder, but not urine. We don’t call it piss, by the way. It’s urine. Or tinkle.

You’re known for ”5 Questions.” I’m way too lazy for that and would rather just repeat the same one over and over: So seriously, why ”Kilby”?

It’s a bit of moxie, a dash of gumption, and some good old-fashioned sass.