The Apprentice: Kevin T. Gilbert

What we've learned from Trump and Co. so far. The show has taught us a lesson a week -- at least! -- says Karyn L. Barr

March 18, 2004 at 05:00 AM EST

What we’ve learned so far

Well, my good buddies, the countdown has begun. It?s only a matter of weeks before the Donald passes on his wickedly awesome hair turban and ”the dream job of a lifetime” to the new ”Apprentice” in a live 2-hour episode. (On tax day, to be exact. Hmmm, how apropos?)

Sigh. Parting with granddaddy Georgie-Porgie and cool as Trump Ice Carolyn will truly be sweet sorrow. Gone will be the days of the grand poobah self-promoting his pricey possessions as ”the most beautiful” or ”the best.” Sadly, it will be months before we again hear receptionist Robin utter her big, career-making one-liner, ”Okay, Mr. Trump will see you now.”

Yes, prepare yourselves, Trump-ettes, because it is almost that time. Time to crown the negotiating queen, Amy, the victor (clearly, I?m still willing to bet my Trump bobblehead that she?s gonna win this shebang). Time to scramble and find other addictively watchable must-see TV to keep us — and our TiVos — occupied every Thursday night. And time to recap the lessons learned from each episode thus far.

Week 1
Lesson: Trump is two weeks behind the rest of us.

Come on, Sam was borderline crazy from minute one. I knew it, and you knew it. But not until week three did the Donald finally clue in and realize that ”wild man” Sam was indeed a ”total disaster.”

Week 2
Lesson: Avoid all pot, kettle, and dish references.

Otherwise Omarosa might interpret your kitchen lingo as a prejudiced comment.

Week 3
Lesson: Don?t devilishly stare into the camera unless you want others to think that ”you?re certifiably insane.”

Yes, Sam, I mean you. You may have fooled Trump into thinking that you were simply being ”passionate about your job,” but you hardly fooled me. Dude, your little boardroom stare-down after getting the boot was just f-r-e-a-k-y.

Week 4
Lesson: No one goes to Planet Hollywood.

The once-popular chain is right in the middle of New York?s Times Square, yet strangely the tourists avoid it like the plague. Not even the promise of Kwame Jackson?s autograph or the Shooters Girls could lure the peeps in.

Week 5
Lesson: A Ziploc bag sucks as a wallet.

Sure, it may preserve your freezer food for months on end, but money can be a slippery sucker. So, note to all girls: Next time you want to ditch your purse and be free, double-bag your moolah.

Week 6
Lesson: It?s pronounced Isaac MIZ-RA-HE.

I?ll admit, it?s no John Doe. But one would think that for a girl with the name of Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, saying the fashion designer?s last name should be as easy as ABC. (Related lesson: Yes, Jessie, Mizrahi speaks the English language.)

Week 7
Lesson: Brooklyn apartments are leased with relative ease.

It took me a month to find an apartment in NYC. And it definitely took more than an hour to run a credit check. So, as much as I love to pretend that everything that I see on ”The Apprentice” is for real, I can?t help but think that those renters were oh-so-conveniently planted by Misters Trump and Burnett.

Week 8
Lesson: Poland Spring bottled water is from Poland.

Well, that is according to country boy Troy, who quipped that the Maine spring water was a refreshing, thirst quencher from the mountains of Poland. Um, yeah, note to Troy: some comments are best left in your own private Idaho.

Week 9
Lesson: A fancy lunch in SoHo is the cure-all for plaster-induced headaches.

Or so Omarosa believes. The rest of us are big fans of Advil.

Week 10
Lesson: New Yorkers don?t ride rickshaws.

Josh Wolk said it best last week: riding in one of these slow-mo machines ranks right up there with licking a subway seat.

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