Another won bites the dust. They're getting picked off like flies -- the former winners (and hot men) -- and Dalton Ross feels your pain, ladies

By Dalton Ross
March 17, 2004 at 05:00 AM EST
Survivor All-Star: Monty Brinton/CBS
  • TV Show

Another winner bites the dust

Okay, I’m gonna get to all the latest ”Survivor” shenanigans in just a second, yet once again I’ve been baffled by a ”Survivor”-related ad campaign. You faithful readers out there — yes, all three of you — know last week I shared with you my mystification over the Colby Donaldson-endorsed Shick Quattro. And now I’ve had it up to here with Tylenol. I just don’t get it, people. Last week Sue Hawk was crowned the ”Tylenol Push Through the Pain” winner, for (from what I gather) quitting the game.

And now Ethan Zohn has been honored with the same title for (from what I can gather) what amounted to breaking a paddle and then losing a seemingly insurmountable lead to Boston Rob in the reward/immunity challenge. Evidently, I’m missing something here because I always thought pushing through the pain equated succeeding in the face of adversity, but apparently it is more akin to failing in every way imaginable. What, is Jerri gonna win next week for shooting three straight blanks with the bow and arrow? Hey, just asking!

Speaking of Jerri… I love her! Seriously, could this woman be any more mentally unstable at this point? ”Knock, knock. You hear that sound, Colby? That’s the bellboy. He just took all my baggage away,” she said about ousting her former ”Outback” nemesis. Are you kidding me? This broad has more baggage than freakin’ Samsonite! And what makes for even BETTER TV than watching Jerri sulk and sass people is watching all her tribemates that hate her have to deal with it. ”She does NOT deserve to be here!” Ethan kept repeating to Lex while slamming his fist into his hand. Did you see how mad he was getting? I thought his funky little white boy dreads were gonna catch on fire or something from being so damn hot.

I will give Ethan his props, however. Even though he pretty much screwed up every challenge imaginable, he fought till the very end, and then once the votes were cast, he walked away without being bitter. Lex said he wanted to see if Ethan would be a gracious loser, and I thought he was. I also thought…

WE INTERRUPT THIS COLUMN TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE: Amber Brkich is insane. Out of her head. A loon. How else to explain her attraction to Boston Rob? Now look, I’ve given the Sox fan his due all along. He has owned this game so far (and he continued that trend again, by beating both Lex and Ethan in the reward challenge log roll) and the guy is pretty much a quote machine. But that doesn’t mean I’d make out with him. Even if I were a girl. Or gay. Or a straight guy just open to a little experimentation.

Look in those conditions, when you are hot, hungry, tired, dirty, riddled with bug bites, and often sitting in torrential rain storms, the last thing you want to do is get it on. With ANYBODY, much less a joker like Boston Rob. Especially when he discusses you in romantic terms like these: ”Amber is slammin’. She’s sweet. She’s beautiful. She’s funny. She’s got a great personality. Her ass is smokin’ too.”

Of course, Amber’s explanation was that ”he makes me feel safe,” which is basically was her way of saying ”I’m just as weak and helpless as I was in Australia.” Which is exactly why the increasing chances that she is going to make it very, very far in this game are increasingly more depressing.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED COLUMN, STILL IN PROGRESS: Wait, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, right. Ethan. You know what, ladies? I feel sorry for you. You too, gay guys. And you too, straight guys open to a little experimentation. All the hot dudes are dropping like flies: Colby, Ethan, Richard Hatch?. Okay, maybe just Colby and Ethan. But still, the male eye candy is now down to just Boston Rob, and it seems he’s taken. Big Tom, on the other hand… Get a few drinks in him, and he’s ALL yours.