By Jim Mullen
January 23, 2004 at 05:00 AM EST

Jim Mullin’s Hot Sheet for the week of Jan 23/30 2004

1 IOWA CAUCUSES Where the people of the great state of Iowa get to pick the guy whose votes won’t be counted in the great state of Florida.

2 SURVIVOR: ALL-STARS Tribes of fan favorites face off in Panama. Winner gets to be Z-list celebrity for the next 20 years.

3 SOMETHING’S GOTTA GIVE The film showed up on the Web and was traced to a 69-year-old Academy member’s screener. The real scandal is that Carmine Caridi gets to vote for the Oscars.

4 STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS Expect it to dominate ratings in the all-important rich white male 49-75 demo.

5 THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT When Ashton Kutcher goes back in time to fix things, they get worse. Before his meddling, Dude, Where’s My Car? was funny.

6 TUBAL LITIGATION A man is suing a cable-TV company for turning his family into a bunch of couch potatoes. Which prevented them from leaving the house to file other nonsense suits.

7 WIN A DATE WITH TAD HAMILTON! Topher Grace keeps a smarmy movie star from stealing his small-town girlfriend. Making this a bigger fantasy than The Lord of the Rings.

8 ROSIE O’DONNELL The Broadway producer is organizing a gay cruise to the Bahamas. It’s just like a straight cruise except the people behave better, look better, and give bigger tips.

9 SUPER BOWL ADS This year they’ll cost $2.3 million a minute. How else are you going to remind people to drink beer during the game?

10 THE QUEEN MARY 2 It’s $1,500 to $48,000 to cross the ocean on the world’s biggest luxury liner. For $48,000 do you get there quicker?