November 28, 2003 at 05:00 AM EST

1 AN AMERICAN IDOL CHRISTMAS This holiday season, give yourself a present: Turn this off.

2 GREENWICH, CONNECTICUT Victoria’s Secret windows are a little too racy for the blue-blood bastion. We don’t have sex here, darling. It’s all done for us.

3 TABOO The Broadway musical about the life of Boy George has been knocking them dead. Not the audiences, the producers.

4 BRITNEY SPEARS Her new album may be getting mixed reviews, but she just got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It pulls your pants off when you stand on it.

5 GOTHIKA Halle Berry wakes up as a patient in the same mental institution where she works. In other words, a typical Monday morning at the office.

6 NAME GAME The latest wedding trend is men taking their wives’ names. And then taking their money and youth and tossing them away like half-eaten fruit.

7 THANKSGIVING Over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother’s house we go. Fight all the way, wrecked holiday, for Christmas let’s say no, oh!

8 BUY NOTHING DAY If you think Christmas has become over-commercialized, stay home the day after Thanksgiving. (And order magazine subscriptions as gifts!)

9 PETSERCIZE One company is selling $1,700 treadmills for overweight dogs. Available exclusively at your puppy’s psychiatrist’s office.

10 PORTABILITY Now you can keep your cell phone number when you switch from one lack of service to another. Look, I’m sending you a picture of me not hearing you!

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