By Jim Mullen
Updated November 21, 2003 at 05:00 AM EST

1 QUEER GUYS The hit style advisers settled for a paltry raise that brings them to $8,000 per episode. The good news is they’ll live in the best-looking poorhouse.

2 ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT The hip-hop band is suing Fox for using their name as the title of a show. Like the rest of us, Fox thought they were finished using it.

3 RUPERT BONEHAM The skirt-wearing Survivor looks poised to win the whole shebang. Then he can move up to Lilly Pulitzer.

4 ROD STEWART Some ex-girlfriends claim he liked to wear their panties. And he liked that they weren’t wearing them.

5 MASTER AND COMMANDER Russell Crowe plays a nervy British captain in the South Seas. It’s Mutiny on the Bounty without the mutiny.

6 PRINCE CHARLES No one can officially say what it is, but Prince Charles has been accused of doing something. Yet only last week he was accused of doing nothing.

7 PARIS HILTON An embarrassing tape of the hotel heiress having sex is making the rounds. It’s more the kind of thing you’d expect from someone named No-Tell Motel.

8 JOHN GRISHAM He’s charging a group of North Carolina librarians $75,000 to give a speech. We’re obviously paying librarians way too much.

9 $600 HAIRCUTS That’s what a trim will cost you at Sally Hershberger’s salon in Manhattan. If you leave the house with a $400 haircut, people will laugh at you.

10 1,000-POUND SCALES The standard 350-pound scale doesn’t accommodate double-wide Americans anymore. But, hey, if you move to Britain, that’s still only 71 stone.