1 ELECTION DAY Americans are well-informed on the three big, important issues in this year’s elections. Kobe Bryant, separating Siamese twins, and Elizabeth Smart.
2 THE ROYAL BUTLER Princess Di’s personal servant has written a tell-some book about his days in her service. Decisions, decisions: This or Moby Dick?
3 DAVID GEST Liza Minnelli’s ultra-creepy soon-to-be-ex alleges she abused him. She wouldn’t sleep in the coffin with him.
4 ELLEN DEGENERES Her viewers have decided she should wear fancier clothes. But maybe there’s no Wal-Mart near her.
5 ELVIS PRESLEY Forbes says he earned the most of any dead celebrity, pulling in some $37 million last year. The rest are just slackers.
6 BORN RICH An HBO documentary about the living hell of being born extremely wealthy. But there’s a way you can help: Send them your credit card bills.
7 MENUS WITH CALORIES The FDA wants restaurants to list how fattening their food is. The government should butt out — until I get diabetes or heart disease. Then they can pay for it.
8 SOLAR FLARES They could disrupt power grids, disable our satellites, and cause glitches in all kinds of electrical devices. Jobs normally done by humans.
9 P. DIDDY He says he’s stopped having sex for the two weeks before he runs in the New York City Marathon. Taking the risk he may actually blow up while running.
10 CBS Its Thursday lineup finally beat NBC’s — showing that younger and cheaper can beat older and more expensive. Speaking of the Marlins…